it's all right

the coldness of this aircond is freezing my tiny fingers. i am looking for a reason to not proceed with whatever work needed to be done. what am i doing now is definitely escaping from responsibility. i'm here almost everyday now. this slow life am living is very boring. but am seeing me getting more and more accustom to the routine. is this getting older feels?

***

i value my family more. i saw them differently from i used to. am involved in a huge car crash. and amazingly i survive. nothing happen. but the car is damn. i still remember the car spinning before i crash. i still remember i turn the steering so that i didn't hit all the street seller on the roadside. i still remember i loss the control over the car. i still remember the car speeding towards the roadside. and i don't want to be a killer. this people going to hurt badly. i still remember every single of this. my thought my heartbeat at that very moment. even in that very minute all i can think of is don't cause others harm. without thinking of my own being. i turn the steering with all my might. thus the spin and spin. and bang. opening my eyes to a lot of dust and smokes. this pakcik calling me. adik keluar keluar keluar. i need to find my phone. i need to call my sister. i am so sorry. i need to tell my sister. that is all i could think of. and am so annoyed with this pakcik. relax la. bukan ape pon. trying to get out of the car. i guess my body doesn't share the same sentiment as my brain. my leg failed me. i almost fall to the ground. everything start spinning. holding to a stranger. i just don't want to collapse. well the is...damn. then it dawn on me, i crashed bad. i could've lost my leg. thankfully not. 

***

what the hell am i suppose to do?

this

this feeling

what am i suppose to do?

i don't feel anything?

i should be fill with terror

i don't.

i should be in tears

i don't

i should not be this calm

i did.

what the hell am i suppose to do?

i got in huge accident. and i am too damn cool. is this okay to be this calm? 

why?

is it age? 

***

i saw weird shit in life. it gave me some sort of feeling. at least. 

but i am too calm considering.

shivering and shivering

i saw it coming bang there it is. am scared. i think that's what scared feel. i am positive am scared i think. well i feel something at least. 5 minutes later i am eating like nothing happen-

i suddenly bersilat. and i found it too damn funny. how the fvck do i know this? why am i doing this?

what the f is all this? 

5 minutes later. watching movie like nothing happen.

why am like this?

and here i am not understanding any of this-

i saw it again yesterday.

my dear heart is too damn calm.

why?

i am more nervous being in a confrontation. 

what am i suppose to do?

confrontation is no. 

you are a pure introvert kamz

self analyzing like this to damn normal.

what am suppose to do with this?

***

it'll be all right if not...it's left.