to me

i really am floating around right now. not knowing what to do. having no pleasure to do anything. just existing i guess. i am making myself confuse. how to go about this life. i am living the present. but not really. my head is somewhat in reality but not, everything seems in cloudnine. everything just pass by. everyday went by with me not really present but at the same time realizing how real it feels the passing of time is. some things is best not be felt. i guess god truly answering my prayers. i am thankful as much as i am at lost. how human does that sound. 

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i need to work on my anger issue. really really need to work on that. 

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today is rather sad day supposedly. but i feel nothing. i am really okay. is it good or bad. i wonder.

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tomorrow should be another worse day. but yeah i am feeling fine. it is not as worse i imagine it would be.

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i hope i am okay. or i might came back to this post like 1000x and and might edit this later. LOL

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to the future me:

it is okay. you are always lagging in feeling. always pending in understanding feeling. it is okay. if you need to cry just cry. it is better to cry. *you not crying is not healthy*. at least crying just validate that you are still human. at least there is some thing left in your heart. if not than so be it. you need to do something about your anhedonia then. don't let it eat you. control your monster like you always did. keep surviving future me.