i don't even see a future
i don't even sure i'd have a future
i don't even see that far
i can't even think that far
i am not capable-
.
to go through another day is just as another fight to stay above water
to fight through another day is another effort
to live is breathed and pass the time
to loose something is not as significant
nothing is significant nowadays-
.
an advise of the best blessing is
to love and be loved.
thematically
to feel joy is enough
but-
***
can't even understand
can't even relates
can't even feel such thing
called love.
even
to find a simple thing called joy is and an invisible struggle
***
not lack of effort
not against it
not being ungrateful
not trying to blame others either
***
the wish to think differently. everyday.
how?
.
i smile
i cry
i laughed
i understand as much as i don't understand
.
fully aware of this demon
slowly befriend this demon
it's lonely
thus i stay
neither hate it nor love it
.
i am on my own
me and my demon
to live is another battle to fight for
.
.
hopelessness is:
seeing yourself drowning in an invisible black void space
not pained
not sad
not hate
not insignificant nor it significant
just nothing.
.
.
am is scared?
yes-
sometimes.
.
fear of oneself
one day i might just stop fighting
too tired.
i'll just let my self drown-
