they said it's okay everyone feels the same.
then why no one find the answer/cure?
they said it will passed.
when?
they said you are not alone.
then where is everyone?
they said you have to fight it.
how?
they said it is only in your mind.
then how to get it out?
they said a lot of thing..
but none is useful.

my best advice don't listen to them. they don't know a thing. no one knows other then you. whatever is in your mind is yours. it's either you keep it/throw it/ love it/embrace it/hate it. it's your call it's your decision to make.

.
.

and i have mine.

the limited words
the unknown
the uncertainty
.
.
she's no more..
don't look for her
stop looking for her

the demand is real
and she just try to live.
trying not be the waste of space.
don't blame her for leaving

sometimes she came.
seldom
but she came sometimes.
just to keep her in check.
.
.
.
she wonder what happened.
how did we end up here
why did we put ourselves here?

she is done.
in so many occasions she realize she is no more..
with no goodbye
no last word
she left
for good. today.

I am a big believer in God. I love God with every being in me.
It's just I LOVE ALLAH S.W.T
.
But this world is so confusing.
There's so many people wanna be god and keep saying what is right what is wrong.and making things more confusing.
And sometime there are things that's wrong and it's wrong. but I like it because I'm human I have flaws. The sad thing is there are people who just feel they're saint and when someone do wrong you  just point fingers and say you're wrong you gonna burn in hell. And you're not???? What are you malaikat?? ....BENGANG... ::penat bilamana asyik nampak kebodohan manusia manusia nih:: "Aku pun bodoh jugak tapi I don't make stupid remarks. Thank God!"
.
.
.
This world is just so confusing for me. I'm complicated. Life is complication.
So fuck everything.
I love God. It's between me and Him.
.....
Fist pump with God in my brain. (fyi this is how weird i am.lololol)

ooh I love me

ouh i missed one day. welp life happen
.
.
.
*********
muka cantik subhanallah
sayang
nilainya diri hanya lah 700
.
baik budi pekerti
sayang
duniawi di utamakan
.
who am i to judge.
it's her life
it's her path
belakang nya tidak kita tahu
we see what we were shown
we see what chose to see
.
moga sejahteralah hidupnya
moga di ampun dosaku
si penongkat dagu pendengar cerita

you're long on hair but short on brain - movie line
.
.
.
whoever made the line. thank you. you just give me a new way of saying stupid to some people.
********
we start early today aren't we.
there's a lot of things human always amaze me in many different ways.
.
.
.
sharing of knowledge is such a beautiful things. at least to me or maybe because of my weirdness.
but sharing knowledge seems such a bad thing for some.
sad truth.
how unfortunate that i can see this too clearly.
given the chance i would share whatever in my brain...maybe a bit too much.
sadly not many find it interesting.
sadly many find it stupid
sadly many find it as an opportunity to get personal profit
how unfortunate on you..
i lose nothing but you lose a friend's trust
.
.
.
very few things i hate but-
one of them is judgement.
why don't we just leave to God. it's his job.
and with today's lifestyle so many human love to be god.
not only be but believing they are one.
you don't have to say it to make you one
your action shows.
your words shows
how unfortunate that i can see this too clearly
more than i should.
understanding things more than you should is very tiring
and that is it. as i am but a wind


am not saint. so many flaws so many lacking so many stupidity and so are you.

almost forgot...but still sempat. jyeahhh the effort is unbelievable. lol
anyway. about jerk.
everyone is a jerk.
don't say you are not. then you would be that one obnoxious little devil.
simple jerk-ness everybody does you open a shampoo bottle or toothpaste or pen or anything available in the store that you find the need to "check" then once you're done. you didn't take the one that you already prodding...you take another one that still in nice wrapping. brand new. <---- that's a jerk for you.

welp that's for today. my brain is very limited. writing for my proposal has consumed most of my sanity.
.
.
updated with a complete sentence. my brain just fail on me.

whoever create him i just wanna say - genius mate pure genius!
i love him! my next favourite baddie after maleficent of course.
.
i can watch him and laugh all day everyday. never a big fan of despicable me. but because of you bratt i'll watch. i am waiting patiently.

i got nothing. my brain is just very limited.

feels like been blogging for ages belogie. but nope it's only my fourth after the daily blogging quest started.
.
.
.
.
*********
am on my sem break so yeah lots of free time. me being fat potato.
going to japan end of this month. so no blogging more exploring
more outside than inside which is good. get the body working bitch
.
.
.
then china on mac
work
work
work
.
.
.
bridesmaid on may
this is scarier than going on a roller coaster
eeeerrrrrrr how did end up up here
.
.
hoping for a jogja maybe in may also or after raya hmmm
hopeful for a lot of travelling this year.
thailand, vietnam, filipino
let see how far can we go huh belogie. *my sisters gonna kill me*
job hunt. maybe not maybe yes
.
finish my mba
phd?
maybe?
where?
when?
my mom?
scholarship?
job?
..
..
..
a lot of thinking need to be done.
adult life sucks

 I think you just weren't ready before.”

 “Weren't ready for what? Sex?”

 Farren shook her head. “Weren't ready to love, or be loved.
You had to wait until it was right."

**************
it got me thinking hard.
i guess i am in good place right belogie. i hate thinking. it used a lot of my energy. then again i hate everything.
me = a bundle of oddness
.
.
.
people been asking
mostly everyone i met.
i don't have boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/whatever
and yes i don't want it.
is it that weird?
.
.
.
i know nothing about "love" but wanting someone when you are lonely is not love. that's boredom. what happen when you get bored by that person too?
.
welp i wouldn't deny the fact that i am odd
when everyone was crazy wanting boyfriend/girlfriend
me is crazy over the new ps2 games
when everyone crazy on having a crush and go out dating
me is happily stay at home and panjat pokok jambu and feel super accomplish------> age 15
*i am still so proud*

MMM HMMMM

I was five and he was six
We rode on horses made of sticks
He wore black and I wore white
He would always win the fight

Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down

Seasons came and changed the time
He would always laugh and say
"Remember when we used to play?"

Bang bang, I shot you down
Bang bang, you hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, I used to shoot you down

Music played and people sang
Just for me the church bells rang

Now he's gone, I don't know why
And 'till this day, sometimes I cry
He didn't even say goodbye
He didn't take the time to lie

Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down

HOW ON EARTH SOMEONE CAN CRY AND STILL LOOK PRETTY?! IT ISN'T FAIR INDEED

a post a day. agak agak boleh consistent x?
.
.
.
daily blogging. agak agak mampu ke.
jawapan nya tidak.
tapi kita try okay kita try.
.
.
.
.
i don't even know what i did on 2016.
i forgot most of the memories that i wish i remember
.
.
.
i miss a lot on opportunities
and i should learn to appreciate things more
.
.
hopefully this can make reflect more on myself.
.
.
.
even tho i know most of the post will be in draft state later on.
at least i do something,
.
.
.
.
most importantly lets try to be more positive. optimistic and happy!
simple and content.
and yes travel lots and lots
.
.
duit kat mana duit kat mana duit where you at?!

i realize i am not a happy person here. most of the time. either am lost, pissed or just random.

welp here is the happy me although am super tired. done with finance paper today. damn they are not easy!! i think i just overused my brain after so long.

just one more sem belogie one more sem and i'll be done. jyeahhhh
.
.
.
.
.
.
i am happy but i am tired so yeah i'll try to be here more when am happy. happy thought happy mode. usually when am happy is when am having my manic episode... yep
.
so
.
manic is hyper..hyper me is just jumpy and out of control. and definitely not going to sit down and wrote sweetly. kekekeke
.
i'll try i'll try belogie. i want to remember am not just dark but there's a light here and there sometime.

today i lost it.
no more.
so close.
all i could think of
last wish.
again and again i thought what's my last wish
last food to taste
last thing to do
one last thing
.
please no more.
.
god don't give up
but i do

for so long she's been holding to this tiny winy rope
and she don't have the desire no more
it's driving her crazy.
.
she have a talk
the talk.
with a friend
because she can't talk her self over no more
.
god don't give up
but i do
.
she don't want to go home
it doesn't feel like home
it's not home
.
allah maha pengampun
you can do this. fight
.
how she wish she can.
.
i guess that's  her last wish


fight.

Today for the first time she actually feel something. Sad or pain or fear maybe all of it. It's still blurry.
.
It's suffocating. She can't really breath. Her heart beating too fast it hurt. And she want to cry so bad. So she did.
.
Because today she saw the pain of her mother's. Today she feel the mother's sadness Today she clearly capture the view of her mother's fear. Today she learn. Today she understand.
.
Oh Dear God.
Oh dear brain. Don't go and just bam on me like that. The rate of understanding is just crazy. I just saw everything too clearly. All the emotion. EVERYTHING. Slow down a bit. Am nothing but just a man trying to keep my sanity. Balance. So..fucking slow it down a bit. Am getting a headache now
.
She can't feel it most the time. But she can see it. Understand it.
.
It broke her heart. Feeling so powerless. Nothing can be done to ease the mother's pain. So she cry.
Again.
.
Oh brain you're so fucked up.
What am I gonna do with you?
.
someone told her last night. "how lucky to be her. wanted to be her wanted to borrow her for once. don't feel don't care."
.
*smirking*
try being her? come
come and try it.
give it your best.
it's not easy taming a beast. come
come and try it.
everyday all day.
it's very dark place. come
come and try it
to live with nothingness.
it's very FUN to just have a gaze on everything
come and try it.
maybe you can give your little brain some exercise.
.
i'll be here. if you want
hmm hmm hmm hmmmm
hmm hmm hmmmm hmmmm
let's
hope
you
survive
the
FUN
ride.

everything changes.
i grow so much. i did so much. i tried so much. i hide so much. i learn so much.
and
.
here i am.
stay put
the same spot
.
here i am talking to myself again,
i maybe cannot feel.
but i do know what pain is.
i do know what hurt is.
i fucking know what self worthless feel
.
it's been awhile hah
it's been awhile my old friend.
hye!
.
welcome back!
.
i guess i miss you.
.
i know i can never be perfect.
and i am fucking sorry.
.
i know i am a burden.
believe me
.
I know.
.
if not because of God
i'll long gone
.
hold on
just hold on.
.
God
i don't know how long i can hold on
Im so tired.
.
please
.
this so freaking funny.
ain't it.
i just understand why i don't feel anymore
.
you will never be that person
you will be normal.
stop daydreaming.
fuck normal.
.
you'll always be nothing.
that's your specialty
.
you have nothing
nothing but a burden.
yeah!!!!!!!
.
i am so sorry.
i really am
.
im done.
.
my brain going to be the death of me one day.

terkadang kita lupa hingga keluhan menjadi teman

.

terkadang kita lupa hidup ini sementara

.

terkadang kita lupa manusia itu sifatnya berbolak balik

.

terkadang kita lupa ibu itu anugerah paling besar dari allah

.

terkadang kita lupa kita ini bukanlah siapa siapa, hanya engkau yang diberi nama.

.

terkadang kita lupa ini mungkin ramadhan terakhir

.

rindunya sudah menyinggah

passing through a wedding along the road
the same question came across one's mind
is the bride beautiful
are the couple match each other
how did they meet
how did they know that they are the one for each other
how sure are they about everything
.
Make one wonder as it doesn't seem logical nor its attainable.
there's no senses in that
only bound by religion make it solid reason.
.
But sometimes make one annoyed
the emptiness that been shoved deep down slowly creeping up
thus, came the question
will I ever met thee person?
.
2 minutes later. nope. no thanks.
one have a like life and one is happy. maybe not super happy but still nope.
too much complication is not my thing. lulz
.
One cannot grasp the concept of "need to get married my life is incomplete, i need my other half"
THEE ARE WHOLE BEING NOT HALF
the desperation reflecting in thy eyes is unbelievable.
it's a pity sometimes.


.

When it happen you can't even feel it. You don't know what to feel. You cry because parting never feel good. But you never understand why you cry, sad maybe?. Till one day you feel this nothingness yet solid, hollowness but heavy feeling all at once.
*
Never like to talk about it. Never want to talk about it. I'm not good at it. Shameful of who I am that drove me to this. I never been close to you. I never try to understand you. Not even once I try to make an effort to be nicer to you. I did with a set of mind what need to be done and it is only right to do so. Sometimes I wonder what it's like 'if' I just make an effort. I never kiss you I never hug you only until you leave that I did all this. I am young and stupid. I have 17 years and not once I told you I love you. I just wish I did even just once. But I didn't. And I can't go to you now. If I can I want to give you a bear hug. I want to say thank you for having my back when the teachers hit me. Thank you for your effort to be the man in my life.  Thank you for not running away when it's hard. I know it must be hard and I know you tried your best too. Because you only a man and I only grasp all this now.
*
Surprisingly I miss you. I can see more and more of you in me. How my brain works is definitely from you. My bad temper is also from you..you can't deny that.( haha tak tahu nak gelak or nak nangis.both lah) My passion for trees and outdoors is so you. I don't believe it either but guess what I just naturally do love it. My compassion for others is growing more and more like yours too. Always want to help even though it hurts yourself.
I am your daughter.
*
Been thinking about you a lot
It's time for closure.
I am so sorry. One of the regrets that will always stays in my heart. Ayah.
#blogbanjir

You're there..but within a minute you are forgotten.
I think everyone crave to have that person don't have to be many..just one person is enough. To just understand..be there..without you ask..without you say anything. Sadly it's impossible.