today might be one of the days that i need to remember.
.
.
.
are you sure? you want to do this? are you ready? yes rezeki jangan ditolak. lagi lagi rezeki yang datang bergolek. ko kan unik. but this is your life. you once did a mistake. a very big mistake that turns everything around. your life went chaos.
.
.
tapi semua perjalanan tuhan dah tentukan..
tapi
tapi
tapi.....
.
scary isn't it. every step you take especially this next step. could change your whole life. the commitment you need to give. you who hate commitment need to commit! can you do this?
.
.
.
i don't know and still don't know. most likely i'll never know
we'll see soon. if..



me to me: jangan buat perangai okay. dah besar. dah pandai self control.
brain: heart don't do something stupid.
heart: haipppp definitely!!!
5 minutes later
heart: O oh pwetty la pulak dia.
brain: shit heart. don't start! arghhhhhh

today again.

the pain is unexplainable.
all she could think of
how long do i have to endure it?
how long do i have till i can't walk?
what's next?

again today is a bad day haa
hang in there. just hang in there.
just fcking hold on okay.
you need this conversation ain't it?
..

they said it's okay everyone feels the same.
then why no one find the answer/cure?
they said it will passed.
when?
they said you are not alone.
then where is everyone?
they said you have to fight it.
how?
they said it is only in your mind.
then how to get it out?
they said a lot of thing..
but none is useful.

my best advice don't listen to them. they don't know a thing. no one knows other then you. whatever is in your mind is yours. it's either you keep it/throw it/ love it/embrace it/hate it. it's your call it's your decision to make.

.
.

and i have mine.

the limited words
the unknown
the uncertainty
.
.
she's no more..
don't look for her
stop looking for her

the demand is real
and she just try to live.
trying not be the waste of space.
don't blame her for leaving

sometimes she came.
seldom
but she came sometimes.
just to keep her in check.
.
.
.
she wonder what happened.
how did we end up here
why did we put ourselves here?

she is done.
in so many occasions she realize she is no more..
with no goodbye
no last word
she left
for good. today.

Because it's so good it deserve a post

She always has a smile
From morning to the night
The perfect poster child
That was once in my life

A doll made out of glass
All her friends think that she's great
But I can see through it all
And she's about to break

Remember last year when you told me
To always stay here and never leave me
The light from your eyes made it feel like
We-e-e were dancing in the moonlight
Remember last year when you told me
That these will be lifelong stories
The light from your eyes made it feel like
We-e-e, we're dancing in the moonlight
You-ou-ou were dancing in the moonlight
And I, I, I was dancing in the moonlight

Now she lost her way
And she forgets to smile
Never gets a break
From this life in denial

A doll made out of glass
All her friends think that she's great
But I can see through it all
And she's about to break, oh!

Remember last year when you told me
To always stay here and never leave me
The light from your eyes made it feel like
We-e-e, we're dancing in the moonlight
Remember last year when you told me
That these will be lifelong stories
The light from your eyes made it feel like
We-e-e, we're dancing in the moonlight


You-ou-ou were dancing in the moonlight
And I, I, I was dancing in the moonlight

I, I, I, miss those me-mo-ries
We used to share
Just you and me

I remember last year when I told you
I would always stay here and never leave you
I told you the light in your eyes made it look like
We-e-e, we're dancing In the moonlight
Remember last year when you told me
To always stay here and never leave me
The light from your eyes made it feel like
We-e-e, we're dancing In the moonlight

The light from your eyes made it feel like
Dancing In the moonlight


And the video is so cool. Applause to you miss Grace Vanderwaal

in chains, why is it like this?
how did we become like this?
like always, it's the same day
and i'm some place alone
what do we look forward to?
what will we throw away again?
like a fool, i give and receive wounds
why is it like this in this strange world?
now there's no love in anything between us
it's only a game of tug-of-war
now there's really no love in anything in our relationship
only a bed of thorn grows endlessly

now there's no love between us...
someday will i be there?
it all this were to pass like the wind, would i be able to smile?

Your smile that I used to know

She seems pretty, she seems nice

Baby baby

I don’t know why I’m being like this

She seems pretty, she seems nice

Are you okay?

Are we over? Are we just friends?

Honestly, when I see you

something to gain something to lose
until you make that decision
you can't have it all
it is not going to happen
.
.
.
selling your soul to the darkness or
stay in light for whatever reason

YES!!! LAST WEEK OF CLASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I


NEED



MY




FOOD.




CAN'T



WAIT




TO



TRAVEL.




.............still got thesis to do. the sad story of my life.

love lost in the fog
it is was love
i shouldn't have started things
from the moment that
we first met
this pain doesn't know how to stop
i held the tears back deep in my heart
when they flow down my two sunken cheeks
my love is now lost in the fog
if it was love
i shouldn't have started things
from the moment that
we first met
this pain doesn't know how to stop
i held the tears back deep in heart
when they flow down my two sunken cheeks
my love is now lost in the fog
if it was love
i shouldn't have started things
from the moment that
we first met
this pain doesn't know how to stop
i held the tears back deep in my heart
when they flow down my two sunken cheeks
my love is now lost in the fog
my love is now lost in the fog

A Song of Sanga The wind is silently silently blowing Are you a lonely woman Are you a lone woman The lost dream left only a heartrending scar Ah ah ah ah ah ah At the tearful night sad because of indelibleness Sanga alone is crying The wind is silently silently blowing Are you a lonely woman Are you a lone woman The lost dream left only a heartrending scar Ah ah ah ah ah ah At the tearful night sad because of indelibleness Sanga alone is crying

that night
she look straight to my eyes and she utter the exact words
"i can't do it. i don't remember. i don't know how to terawih. i search for it but i cannot find it" looking so flustered and broken.
that moment how i don't know it will be a time in life that i'll never forget
it brokes my heart to every pieces that it could. seeing that strong lady at lost and seeing her so broken her pride and ego just crumbles. it must hurt. that strong lady is not strong anymore. what saddening is she realize that and it hurt her so much. i could just feel her pain. seeing her staring blankly to nothingness and looking so lost when i am talking to her because she don't understand anything. the pain it's killing me too. seeing her crumble making me crumble too. but i can't. i have to give the strength. the strength that i don't even have. but i have to. i have to. crying even if you must, you have to do whatever. be that strength for her to hold on to.

in a word there'll be this one letter that signify the word.

the reaction always. so yeah...

i am here
i am that someone
i do found you
i always do--
and i always will--
just know.

we are just a bunch of no fun people. conservative. cultured. geek. introverted. family.
since it's a mother's day. i cannot not think how solitude of a family we are. what makes a family a family is mother. there will be no family without mother. even if, you'll have this one person as your mother figure. that always be your family.
we live in a same house and breath the same air but we are more off a stranger.
we are not expressive people. we have love hate relationship. we adored and jealous with each other. the five of us. five similar but different people. how does my mother raised us? an unthinkable an unimaginable.
.
.
.
.
as awkward as we are. as weird as we are.
here, now - we are our very own selves.
adult.
yet we are still your kids mom. always will be.
and sometimes i miss my younger years. i miss the young mother.
.
we all want to be recognized.
we all deep down want to be acknowledge.
for whatever we do.
we are human.
and i for once want to say to my mom as an adult "mom you did a great job.you make the right decision. look at us now. we are decent human being maybe not a great one but we good. to the younger version of my mother mothering is hard. everyone makes mistakes. it's okay to make mistakes."

this is literally younger me. gosh i miss this particular moment.  i always always slept on your stomach. always. i love you mother. i may not show it much. very hot headed. very weird kid. but i love you more than life. my greatest treasure.

Hey can't you see this little boy Trying to feel a little joy Crying in the dark Hey can't you hear this little girl Trying to build a better world Calling in the dark Can't you see my darling I can't take it anymore I need you my darling I can't stand it anymore Oh Georgia, you think I'm fine Why don't you see that I'm down Oh Georgia, I feel like many people today I feel like lost on my own way I don't know why I cry and pray There is no hope anyway There is no hope, anyway

sebab tengah hyper.
need to write it down.
.
.
elham rebel followed me . :))))))))))
ahakzzzz



.
the thing is i don't read much of malay thing. don't blame me. everyone have preferences. mine is strictly to mine. anyhow, elham is just amazing. i don't know who you are but you're amazing.
.
.
.
kejadian berlaku
me driving then saw a notification. (fyi am at the traffic light. susah ramai manusia suka bash org zmn sekarang.)
senyum sampai telinga. hyper melampau. manusia macam aku nih susah kalau dah hyper extreme sikit. memerlukan daya control yang tinggi.
.
nasib baik tak kenyit mata kat org kereta sebelah je. wakakaka


still in hyper mode. senyum senyum senyum sampai sakit dah mulut aku nih.

.
.
.
yang pasti aku adalah perosak bahasa. hahahaha sorry not sorry manglish is my language.

fuck you bipolar FUCK YOU!!!



fuck you depression fuck you!!!


i just wanna good sleep.
a good sleep a happy me
and nope you just want to fucked up!


fuck you!
its very tiring super tiring

and yes i just wanna curse and rant

in my entire life this 25 years of living. not even once i have this major crush like massive supreme extreme crush on an artist. and this lady just crush my heart. again and again. never in my right mind i'd feel it. waaaa the feeling is real. and the frustration is real too! aghhhhhhhhhh damn.



that time when i realize damn she's just waaaa. if you watch this performance you'd know what i mean. fantastic duo season 1 episode 8 i think.


i just fall. badum!



as unbelievable as it sound. it's not.




she's most charming passionate sexy attractive especially when she sing.

heart eyes all over. aghhhh

how is this not cool??

you took my heart away. yes you. you did.



people be like. she's old enough to be your mother. i be like she's old enough to be my lover.


kesedihan. why does she have to be so famous? why am i no one?!!! this is the only time that i wish i am somebody or super rich. just so i could met her. arghhhh the frustration




hancur harapan. T_______________T





damn you heart




I  would fall for her a billion times.


my anak sedara asked me the other day. who is that lady?
me: that is someone asu suka.
niece: krik krik krik
* hence the question because she's my phone wallpaper. my lappy wallpaper. i watch her video a lot. this is so embarrassing. but that's what you do when you're crushing on someone i guess. hahahahahahahaha

i sound like a teenager who just hit puberty and have their first crush. welp this is my first major artist crush. i am a late bloomer lets admit that shall we.

even if one day i'd feel am over her and i saw her singing. yup i am interested in you again. and that only Lee Sun Hee can do.

It's so barren
That it became so sad to go there.
.
.
Just keep living.
Can't cut it off nor can you waste it.
Find your passion
Be passionate
.
Aahhh so nice to feel that way
Unfortunately she is not able of that.
She get bored really easily.
She tried. She really did.
Nothing seems to work out
.
.
.
.
So barren.
The echo of the wind
The light and the dark come and goes.
.
Not good. This is not good.
.
.
.
Guilt is an unseen pain
Like a silent killer
.
It kills the hope with that it become the new normal.
.
.
.
Is it?
***********

A smile is the prettiest thing one can wear.
And a smile is the greatest lie one can use.
.
.
.
Everyone deep down scared of being lonely.
and everyone is waiting to be found to be understood.



****
this has been a draft for too long. feel like posting it. a title is just a title. who knows why i use that title. maybe i'll remember it again one day. maybe not, not everything always make sense. life doesn't.

aku dan demam berpisah tidak.
.
there's a lot of thing i wanna write. a lot of tips, thoughts, experience and everything. seeing how one's memories be taken away piece by piece is just scary. i am afraid i'd be like that too. one day.
.
maybe this makes no sense. i just wanna write.

I don't normally do this.
Fairly saying very rare! haha
and I don't read much of Malay...thing stuff whatever...guilty as charge.
BUT  Surat Qaisy buat Teman Lelakinya, Zayd by Elham Rebel is freaking good. The words the simple yet complicated sentences just ughhhhhh leaving my heart aching and fluttering.
What a wonderful words

Writing is easy. All you have to do is cross out the wrong words
- Mark Twain

bila nasihat diminta
nasihat diberi
tapi tak boleh follow.
why?
.
i cannot brain.
nothing change if you don't take that one step
nothing is impossible you have to take that action
and yes of coz you can
.
aihh tak paham
sangat tak paham

Hey can't you see this little boy Trying to feel a little joy Crying in the dark Hey can't you hear this little girl Trying to build a better world Calling in the dark Can't you see my darling I can't take it anymore I need you my darling I can't stand it anymore Oh Georgia, you think I'm fine Why don't you see that I'm down Oh Georgia, I feel like many people today I feel like lost on my own way I don't know why I cry and pray There is no hope anyway There is no hope, anyway

-racoon racoon
.
.
.
.
so simple so deep so perfectly written few words
.
.
.
depression sucks. tetiba but yeah haha

music has been my bestfriend for so many years hah. starting with avril lavigne's. geeshhh
.
all this musics just make the some of the mainstream music sound so irrelevant

I am a big believer in God. I love God with every being in me.
It's just I LOVE ALLAH S.W.T
.
But this world is so confusing.
There's so many people wanna be god and keep saying what is right what is wrong.and making things more confusing.
And sometime there are things that's wrong and it's wrong. but I like it because I'm human I have flaws. The sad thing is there are people who just feel they're saint and when someone do wrong you  just point fingers and say you're wrong you gonna burn in hell. And you're not???? What are you malaikat?? ....BENGANG... ::penat bilamana asyik nampak kebodohan manusia manusia nih:: "Aku pun bodoh jugak tapi I don't make stupid remarks. Thank God!"
.
.
.
This world is just so confusing for me. I'm complicated. Life is complication.
So fuck everything.
I love God. It's between me and Him.
.....
Fist pump with God in my brain. (fyi this is how weird i am.lololol)

ooh I love me

sooooooo many time question been ask to me in a different sentences but have the same context
like always.
i sometime in awe by how different ways of words put together means the same thing.
.
.
.
penatnya nak jawab. yes i am single. and yes i want it to stay that way.
and no i don't know why. do you know why you want to be in love?
i am happy. i have a like life. and it's easy. you know easy life
.
.
.
.
then. still. they be like "but why?"
.
.
.

me always

i don't know maybe one day someday. i don't fucking know. i know you're curious bih bruh but please keep it to yourself....pffffffftttt

is that all what we are?





i spaced a lot. i can't help it. it's like my brain just fall in a loop and just got caught up. as if time stop
.
does anyone ever know who you are?
.
they said i am difficult. they said i am easy. they said i am innocent. they said i never open up. they said i am blur.
.
i am and i am not.
am i pretentious?
.
i guess i am just as fluid as human can be.
but you never ask.
you never listen.
you never see.
.
am i that difficult?
do you even try?
but none to be blame.
everyone wants to be understood
and i do understand human too easily
i have one question
is it that hard to see through me friend?
because i can see through you like reading a book.
human is just linear and kaleidoscopic at the same time.
when i can't see this in them. now that's weird. which is rare.
most of the time i i chose not to. either blocking or too many distraction

i am an anomaly

I think i'm done with you
I think i'm done with you
I know you came for truth
You know i came for you

Spend too much time
Now i think out loud
I won't be falling on my knees to beg you

I know you've crossed the line
You waited for a sign
I won't be falling on my knees to beg you

Break up
Split up
Life goes on, baby, let's catch up

Years after years we fought against that couple machine
We didn't see coming that overkilling routine

I used to belive you
But everything is true
Our love is six feet underground, i feel it too

I don't think your eyes have ever looked surprised
And i don't feel the same each time you call my name

Break up
Split up
Life goes on,baby, let's catch up
-racoon racoon-



::hopeless romantic::
Be real. Open your eyes. Stop defying the truth. Accept and move on. Yeah you hurt. Yeah you fall. But life goes on. You'll live.
Basically that's all it is to everything ain't it?

Dill
Dill
Dill
love
it
so
much
.
.
.
.
worst sandwich/burgers/wrap can be fix with just pickled dill.
.
no pickle shaming okay!
.
just bought a whole jar of it because am too damn lazy to make it. heh ini bukan kisah dil to pagal hai but this is dill to pagal hei hei hei! hahahahahaha

driving can give one person a high blood pressure a migraine a heart attack. 

i want to freeze the moment
and relive it everyday

osaka castle and time capsule

Peaceful

take me road

bekula bontot

japan is just stunning

togetsukyo bridge

arashiyama. togetsukyo bridge

this is the moment where i feel like i am relive my anime moment

the house mostly all like this. semua petak2..rumah nobita. everything is cute in japan

Arashiyama. forgot wth the name of this beautiful garden.