new year is coming!!!!
.
.
2016 has been bitter sweet. mostly boring.
but it's a life lesson nonetheless.
a lot of changes
a lot of growth
a lot of ups and down
all in all a good year.a good year
.
.
best memories in 2016....
i make few new friends. cool friends. good friends
that's a good start. change is good.
.
.
worst memories in 2016
still najib.rosmah
nothing can top this
.
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one last question in 2016
will you be more happier?
.
.

got a question? ask awayyyy..
.
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another happy post. good me good me. "pat on the back"

i realize i am not a happy person here. most of the time. either am lost, pissed or just random.

welp here is the happy me although am super tired. done with finance paper today. damn they are not easy!! i think i just overused my brain after so long.

just one more sem belogie one more sem and i'll be done. jyeahhhh
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.
.
.
.
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i am happy but i am tired so yeah i'll try to be here more when am happy. happy thought happy mode. usually when am happy is when am having my manic episode... yep
.
so
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manic is hyper..hyper me is just jumpy and out of control. and definitely not going to sit down and wrote sweetly. kekekeke
.
i'll try i'll try belogie. i want to remember am not just dark but there's a light here and there sometime.

knee pain is real bitch!!!!!
....
ye aku tahu-
sakit itu ujian
sakit itu penghapus dosa
merungut itu tidak bersyukur
mengeluh itu tidak elok
yes
yes
yes
.
and yes i am just human
at some point i got to let it out
i need to stay sane
.
.
.
the pain is real!!
.
the bitch part is i am so used to the pain that i forgot i am actually in pain
.
and here i am suddenly remembered that i am in pain.
.
paracetamol ubat tahan sakit is nothing
.
and am allergic to some of it...buh how not surprising
.
.
.
.
.
.
!@#$%^&*()!!!!!

because i still function even in pain

our parents love books. that's how all five of us love books. it all start with parents. 

today i lost it.
no more.
so close.
all i could think of
last wish.
again and again i thought what's my last wish
last food to taste
last thing to do
one last thing
.
please no more.
.
god don't give up
but i do

for so long she's been holding to this tiny winy rope
and she don't have the desire no more
it's driving her crazy.
.
she have a talk
the talk.
with a friend
because she can't talk her self over no more
.
god don't give up
but i do
.
she don't want to go home
it doesn't feel like home
it's not home
.
allah maha pengampun
you can do this. fight
.
how she wish she can.
.
i guess that's  her last wish


fight.

mom: asu
me: hmm
mom: asu potong rambut pendek sesuai la nampak comey. hensem.. aah nampak hensem
me: yup. i know that since forever. (smirk face) wakakakakaka
.
.
.
please stay with us for a long time mother. i am scared that one day i wake up and you are not there anymore. that is one scary thought.

everything is clear
the smell
the colour
the uneven road

Today for the first time she actually feel something. Sad or pain or fear maybe all of it. It's still blurry.
.
It's suffocating. She can't really breath. Her heart beating too fast it hurt. And she want to cry so bad. So she did.
.
Because today she saw the pain of her mother's. Today she feel the mother's sadness Today she clearly capture the view of her mother's fear. Today she learn. Today she understand.
.
Oh Dear God.
Oh dear brain. Don't go and just bam on me like that. The rate of understanding is just crazy. I just saw everything too clearly. All the emotion. EVERYTHING. Slow down a bit. Am nothing but just a man trying to keep my sanity. Balance. So..fucking slow it down a bit. Am getting a headache now
.
She can't feel it most the time. But she can see it. Understand it.
.
It broke her heart. Feeling so powerless. Nothing can be done to ease the mother's pain. So she cry.
Again.
.
Oh brain you're so fucked up.
What am I gonna do with you?
.
someone told her last night. "how lucky to be her. wanted to be her wanted to borrow her for once. don't feel don't care."
.
*smirking*
try being her? come
come and try it.
give it your best.
it's not easy taming a beast. come
come and try it.
everyday all day.
it's very dark place. come
come and try it
to live with nothingness.
it's very FUN to just have a gaze on everything
come and try it.
maybe you can give your little brain some exercise.
.
i'll be here. if you want
hmm hmm hmm hmmmm
hmm hmm hmmmm hmmmm
let's
hope
you
survive
the
FUN
ride.

there are too many things that i don't understand. one of them- when people don't understand what i understand. why? second- the clarity of the illogical things that people find so fascinating. why? third- when people find it funny when someone sincerely asking a question. why?
.
.
level 2
]]]]

the practical and most basic needs that any human need is to able to live. but there are so many out there don't even know how to. why? i just cannot brain all this. this gives me a headache. to be continued...lulz..

Desperate. Yes. How far can she go. Slowly she's heading to a road that feels so familiar. Like walking back home. The voice keeps echoing over and over "you might go to the end of the world but you will always belong to this place."
.
"At least she tries."she said
She learn she go out looking for herself. But she knows she will always go back to free herself because that's where she belong.
.
I guess it's time to say I am home. Hello darkness my true friend. I can feel the welcoming smile.
.
Illusion can't be real. True.
Be careful, the real can be illusion too.
.
Red riding hood running from the wolf?
.
Red riding hood walking with wolf?
.
Is it foe?
Is it friend?
.
Not all you see meant what it meants

everything changes.
i grow so much. i did so much. i tried so much. i hide so much. i learn so much.
and
.
here i am.
stay put
the same spot
.
here i am talking to myself again,
i maybe cannot feel.
but i do know what pain is.
i do know what hurt is.
i fucking know what self worthless feel
.
it's been awhile hah
it's been awhile my old friend.
hye!
.
welcome back!
.
i guess i miss you.
.
i know i can never be perfect.
and i am fucking sorry.
.
i know i am a burden.
believe me
.
I know.
.
if not because of God
i'll long gone
.
hold on
just hold on.
.
God
i don't know how long i can hold on
Im so tired.
.
please
.
this so freaking funny.
ain't it.
i just understand why i don't feel anymore
.
you will never be that person
you will be normal.
stop daydreaming.
fuck normal.
.
you'll always be nothing.
that's your specialty
.
you have nothing
nothing but a burden.
yeah!!!!!!!
.
i am so sorry.
i really am
.
im done.
.
my brain going to be the death of me one day.

terkadang kita lupa hingga keluhan menjadi teman

.

terkadang kita lupa hidup ini sementara

.

terkadang kita lupa manusia itu sifatnya berbolak balik

.

terkadang kita lupa ibu itu anugerah paling besar dari allah

.

terkadang kita lupa kita ini bukanlah siapa siapa, hanya engkau yang diberi nama.

.

terkadang kita lupa ini mungkin ramadhan terakhir

.

rindunya sudah menyinggah

passing through a wedding along the road
the same question came across one's mind
is the bride beautiful
are the couple match each other
how did they meet
how did they know that they are the one for each other
how sure are they about everything
.
Make one wonder as it doesn't seem logical nor its attainable.
there's no senses in that
only bound by religion make it solid reason.
.
But sometimes make one annoyed
the emptiness that been shoved deep down slowly creeping up
thus, came the question
will I ever met thee person?
.
2 minutes later. nope. no thanks.
one have a like life and one is happy. maybe not super happy but still nope.
too much complication is not my thing. lulz
.
One cannot grasp the concept of "need to get married my life is incomplete, i need my other half"
THEE ARE WHOLE BEING NOT HALF
the desperation reflecting in thy eyes is unbelievable.
it's a pity sometimes.


.

When it happen you can't even feel it. You don't know what to feel. You cry because parting never feel good. But you never understand why you cry, sad maybe?. Till one day you feel this nothingness yet solid, hollowness but heavy feeling all at once.
*
Never like to talk about it. Never want to talk about it. I'm not good at it. Shameful of who I am that drove me to this. I never been close to you. I never try to understand you. Not even once I try to make an effort to be nicer to you. I did with a set of mind what need to be done and it is only right to do so. Sometimes I wonder what it's like 'if' I just make an effort. I never kiss you I never hug you only until you leave that I did all this. I am young and stupid. I have 17 years and not once I told you I love you. I just wish I did even just once. But I didn't. And I can't go to you now. If I can I want to give you a bear hug. I want to say thank you for having my back when the teachers hit me. Thank you for your effort to be the man in my life.  Thank you for not running away when it's hard. I know it must be hard and I know you tried your best too. Because you only a man and I only grasp all this now.
*
Surprisingly I miss you. I can see more and more of you in me. How my brain works is definitely from you. My bad temper is also from you..you can't deny that.( haha tak tahu nak gelak or nak nangis.both lah) My passion for trees and outdoors is so you. I don't believe it either but guess what I just naturally do love it. My compassion for others is growing more and more like yours too. Always want to help even though it hurts yourself.
I am your daughter.
*
Been thinking about you a lot
It's time for closure.
I am so sorry. One of the regrets that will always stays in my heart. Ayah.
#blogbanjir

I won't regret saying this 
This thing 
That I'm saying 
Is it better than 
Keeping my mouth shut 
That goes without saying 
Call, break it off 
Call, break my own heart 
Maybe I would have been 
Something you'd be good at 
Maybe you would have been 
Something I'd be good at 
But now we'll never know 
I won't be sad 
But in case 
I'll go there 
Everyday, 
To make myself feel bad 
There's a chance 
I'll start to wonder 
If this was the thing to do 
I won't be out long 
But I still think it better if 
You take your time 
Coming over here 
I think that's for the best 
Call, break it off 
Call, break my own heart 
Maybe I would have been 
Something you'd be good at 
Maybe you would have been 
Something I'd be good at 
But now 
We'll never know 
I won't be sad 
But in case 
I'll go there 
Everyday, 
To make myself feel bad 
There's a chance 
I'll start to wonder 
If this was the thing to do 
I'll start to wonder 
If this was the thing to do

You're there..but within a minute you are forgotten.
I think everyone crave to have that person don't have to be many..just one person is enough. To just understand..be there..without you ask..without you say anything. Sadly it's impossible.

Joy is acceptance.

"no one is a virgin life screw us all"

wakakakakakakaka the best saying ever.

when the sun ain't shining no more.
and the winter comes
we constantly at war
and most of the time we feel numb.





I'm not a saint but people tend to make me one.
I'm not smart but people tend to think am one.
I'm not always nice but people tend to feel like am one.
well sorry to break it to you
I am just not.
The art of pretending.

Time move forward
all we could remember is pieces of our memories
and you are always one of those pieces.--

That one time I did fall in love
naivety and innocent soul
foolish heart unexpectedly fall
for you.

It's bitter sweet feeling.
You make me smile and you make me na na crazy.
I think of you when I don't want to think of you.
I lose when I never even had you.

That one time..is scary.
It scares my little heart to death..
confused and get my brain to the edge.
Countless tears..
cursing at the wind..
hating everything.
Then I ran.....
all that I know is to run.
Just so that I can breath a little.
But...
the hard part is....
Longing--

Foolish heart

Longing always beside you when you Run. .

That one time..teaches me a lot.
I am who I am today because of you.
I may have said too many to much I hate you.
But.. I'm not.
I am thankful.
For that, I have you in my memory.
So, thank you.

Moving on is hard,
but I manage.
Just so you know
I still love you but I am happy the way everything is.
I accept it can never happen.
and I am happy I know me more.
and all I wish for is that you are happy too.

**************
Maybe one day you'll read this and you know it's about you
Maybe you'll read it and not know it's a bout you.
Maybe you won't even read this.
Any is fine.
Whoever read it just know there is someone somewhere out there do love you.

I found my place. I find me.

my heart die a little
but i'm still breathing
how strange.

head lose it's bearing a bit
but i'm still smiling
how sad.

it's okay. no one need to know you better than you know you. discover and accept the hardest fact about our self is the hardest thing to do. once you do you stand still, look pretty, be cool.

not everything we want we get
remember that.

16.4.2016 your heart die a bit again.

andai ku tahu kapan tiba ajalku
ku akan memohon tuhan tolong panjangkan umur ku
andai ku tahu kapan tiba masaku
ku akan memohon tuhan Kau jangan ambil nyawaku
aku takut akan semua dosa dosaku
aku takut dosa yang terus membayangiku
andai ku tahu malaikat Mu kan menjemput ku
izinkan aku mengucap kata taubat padaMu
aku takut akan semua dosa dosa ku
aku takut dosa yang terus membayangi ku
ampuni aku dari segala dosa dosa ku
ampuni aku menangis aku bertaubat padaMu
aku manusia yang takut neraka
namun aku juga tak pantas di syurga
andai ku tahu kapan bila ajalku
izinkan aku mengucap kata taubat padaMu
aku takut akan semua dosa dosa ku
aku takut akan dosa yang terus membayangi ku

*************
aku yakin andailah iman itu boleh diukur
iman aku takkan lebih lebarnya dari seutas benang takkan panjang sepanjang segulung benang
dan andailah dosa itu boleh diukur
aku yakin dosa aku lebih besar dari gunung-ganang dan lebih panjang dari jalan-jalan tak berpenghujung
*************
orang kata setiap tahun kena ada azam supaya diri lebih baik
aku tak pernah berazam "andai malaikatMu datang menjemputku tahun ini, aku takut tetapi aku redha dan bersedia untuk berjumpaMu"
orang kata kita akan rindu kekasih hati dan tak sanggup berjauhan
tetapi aku sentiasa melupakan kekasih yang Satu bahkan takut jika aku dipanggil berjumpaMu.
orang kata bila kita sayang, semua yang dia nak kita turuti
tapi aku, semua yang Kau nak aku lewa-lewakan

Bila datangnya ujian..perih jerih rasa
Kejahilan dalam diri mula berleluasa
mempersoalkan kenapa..mengapa
Banyak sangat kah dosa?
Andai Yang Maha Esa disebelahku..ku yakin Engkau akan menjawab "Ya banyak tapi sayangKu lebih besar dari dosamu. Maka aku turun kan ujian kerana Aku rindukan kau."
Tapi betapa matinya hati
betapa jahilnya akal
tidak dapat melihat sebenar benar kebenaran.
**************
Engkau berfirman
Muhammad bersabda
satu hari kiamat seribu tahun dunia
**************
Akal diberi dan diguna
dikiralah satu jam empat puluh empat minit
masa diberi untuk mengumpul amal
kukuhkan iman
**************
Sepanjang 60 tahun hidup manusia
Setiap minit itu beramalkah kita?
kenalkah siapa tuhan kita?
1 jam 44 minitkah masaku?
Dimana aku nanti?
**************
Mati itu pasti
**************
Ajarlah hati untuk takut hanya kepada Allah
ajarlah hati untuk mengejar hanya cinta Allah
ajarlah hati untuk cukup hanya dengan Allah



::one of the longest thread I've wrote.tahniah. dan tahniah kepada sesiapa yang tabah dan tawadduq baca sampai habis::

How innocent one can be
it come and it goes
leaving the stain of butterfly touch
It may be just a touch
and just a memory to keep.
I might never feel this again tomorrow
I'll treasure this present and live to enjoy the present.

*********
Is it beautiful? Is it childish?

“Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.” 
― Joss Whedon

:: just so you know belogie I love this quote so damn much. kekekeke

**************

I just have to let it out. I realize I have this problem or syndrome or habit i don't know.. anyhow the issue is I found that I am very stingy.. a stinger. I think. I just don't want someone or anyone to find out about certain things. Like I have a great song in my playlist or a great books that I read. And I hope to God no one else knows about it. It's so good that I don't want to share.

What is my problem?!! jeeshh

This may also because of my introvertness- I think. I just love to keep things to myself. I love sharing my thought but there some things just so precious I don't want anyone to find it. It's such a great deal when I share...meaning that I have given certain time to think whether to share it or not. I have to fight with myself just to share something not even mine actually. HAHAHA what is my problem belogie?? I am just so effing weird. And I know it and it makes it much more weirder!

:: so many weird word used today. My English teacher will be very unhappy about this.

a memory to keep is a small things that make you realize who you really are.

I'm too tired to smile again And I'm too hurt to ever be friends There's no use in lying again And I'm too bruised to fight anything I'm so tired of being afraid And I'm so sick of wasting away And there's no truth in whatever you say You tore my heart out again and again I can feel you in my chest You're suffocating every breath And I can't scream and shout anymore Anymore, Anymore, Anymore And maybe I'll jump ship Cut my losses cash my chips I can sail alone, leave that love that I've called home And I will call your bluff Hope to god that it's enough Though it cuts my soul It's the only thing I've ever known You tore out my heart

-tiny little house-

One day someone break our heart

the longer you live
the larger your sin
the more you learn
the heavier your insecurities
******************************

one sheep two sheep.. one blink two blink and here we are; in this page talking to each other realizing how we have aged. You know when you are aged when you read or heard the latest technology or celebrity that you never ever ever heard of...you know you are old when you reach tot he point what is this kids doing?? (latest trend).

Beloggi, my dear friend we're old. Oh my...when did we get here? How time pass huh.. One thing never change though..I still get sick like crazy as per usual. I know you're not shock no more by this. People said time heals..NAHHHHH time heal nothing. I like to think am strong but when it hit you hard, it's kinda hurt to realize you're not as strong as you thing you are. Just to keep something.. a memory to remind me later...I'm just human with so many lacking and am a senior now -__-

********

Anyway,
Life must go on. Project creating as much memory as possible has begun! muahahahaha
Hiking on three freaking gunung in a day is pertty cool huh.. with a cold somemore.
A big applause to ME!! Malaysia is full of amazing places we're just so blinded by this normalcy and stereotype living. Well maybe I'm a bit late in taking an action to live better create my own memory that I want to keep but hey I did take that first step right. Thank god am weird.

Shyly saying this

Looking for something. What?
I don't know.
Why are you looking for it?
emm I don't know maybe I'm bored.
Is that it? Then it's not that important.
Well yeah I guess it's not important.
*****
Looking for something. Again?
Yeah..and I still don't know what is..
I don't understand. How can you look for something and not knowing what is.. It doesn't sound right.
Well yeah I guess it doesn't make sense does it.
*****
*anxiously* Looking for something. What???
I don't know. I'm sorry but I really don't know.
Then why are looking for it?? **Annoyed**
I don't know.
Okay.**sigh** I'll help you search for it. Will you stop being anxious?
I can't promise you that~
Why not?!
Just because.
I am so annoyed by you! Let's just look for the damn thing you've been looking for.
I know you love me. **Grin**
Nope. I need you to keep me alive.
Well thank you for understanding.
Nope I don't understand it at all heart...but I can reason with it..I'm brain.

Is it measured by hate?
Or by anger?
or is it measured by size?
what is it?

How can it be insignificant?
********
pain
look at it or look away.
********
hate
Let it be or tame it
*******
Insignificant is a short cut route we take to move forward even when one is hurting. It's another way one says "I'm okay" "I'm used to it".
Know this. Learn from a jerk to not be worst than this jerk.

Jom throwback-
entry ni ditulis almost 3 years ago..how time flies.

*************

mancari cari suatu perkara..sampai sekarang masih mencari
sampai satu masa..ia datang kepada kita
tapi aku tak mampu untuk merangkul kemas agar ia tak mampu untuk lari dari aku lagi

apa itu redha?
apa itu keredhaan?
cakap dengan mulut memang senang saya redha dengan ketentuan Ilahi..
semua yang berlaku ada hikmah nya  semua yang datang ada baik buruknya,,
jangan dipandang kepada keburukan tapi pandanglah kepada kebaikan...
YA ALLAH!! SUMPAH..aku benci siapa yang menuturkan ayat ni disaat aku kebingungan..
aku tak menafikan apa yang dia cakap betul...tapi tolong jangan pujuk aku dengan ayat macam ni..ayat yang aku dah sedia tahu...ia lebih menyakitkan..lebih perit~ in other word its like telling me the same thing over and over again as if i'm not doing my best to be like that.. it,s like i never know this. as if i never try to be like this.. as if i'm never good enough to know that..


aku tahu perjalanan untuk mencari keredhaan itu jauh..
walaupun aku sendiri tak pasti macam mana nak menyampaikan diri aku kepada keredhaan Allah..
macam mana cara untuk aku mendapat keredhaan itu pun aku tak pasti...
mungkin tak cukup lagi usaha aku ni...
aku akan usaha lagi lagi lagi dan lagi
tapi Ya Allah bantu lah aku..
aku tak sekuat yang aku sangkakan-
aku tak sekuat yang Kau sangkakan--
aku adalah lemah
aku adalah kecil-
dugaanMu itu untuk meneguhkan lagi iman aku
untuk kembalikan aku kepada Mu..


***************
3 years pass by--
still mecari....
and yes entry bahasa melayu. still ada la "manglish" tu heh.
bila throwback, rasa macam hebak jugak boleh tulis entry macam ni 3 years ago. >>self proud mode<< lalala

time passes by

"I who have nothing except my own knowledge." -me-

Take me home where I belong
Oh home..will I ever find it.
I kept turning running looking for you-Home
where are you?
Days comes as night goes..
then it's another day.
I can't take it anymore.
Patient run low. It's suffocating
Then all I could see is nothing. The feeling it's not real.

Here I go..
I don't know where to start I am so lost.
Wondering-
How does belonging feel?
Turning-
I feel you deep down..burning. Burning to explode everything
to come running to me-Oh home.
Running-
I feel you're near me..I try to grasp you. I do
3,4...you runaway run from me. It vanished.
I want to scream I need you-
but I didn't..
Then I feel you're telling me..that I'm not ready. -Crying-

Here I go..
I would like to leave this city. I can feel the warning in me..
Yearning to leave.. go looking for you.
I want to go to my Home.
I want to search for my happy. It's been missing.

I am sorry I didn't do many thing.
I kept running in circle.
All I kept doing is waiting.
When I leave this city..
When I go looking and searching
When th time is right
Is it possible
For you to come running

When the time is right
I will be ready.
Now-Waiting..
I'll be waiting here

I hope I find my Home and my Happy

Broken bottles in the hotel lobby
Seems to me like I'm just scared of never feeling it again
I know it's crazy to believe in silly things
But it's not that easy

I remember it now, it takes me back to when it all first started
But I've only got myself to blame for it, and I accept it now
It's time to let it go, go out and start again
But it's not that easy

But I've got high hopes, it takes me back to when we started
High hopes, when you let it go, go out and start again
High hopes, when it all comes to an end
But the world keeps spinning around

And in my dreams, I meet the ghosts of all the people who have come and gone
Memories, they seem to show up so quick but they leave you far too soon
Naïve I was just staring at the barrel of a gun
And I do believe that, yeah

But I've got high hopes, it takes me back to when we started
High hopes, when you let it go, go out and start again
High hopes, oh, when it all comes to an end
Now the world keeps spinning
Yeah, the world keeps spinning around

High hopes, it takes me back to when we started
High hopes, when you let it go, go out and start again
High hopes, oh,
And the world keeps spinning
Ooh, yeah, this world keeps spinning

How this world keeps spinning around


I am so obsess with Kodaline. They are that good!! **Fangirl-ing**

People call it bipolar disorder. One minute you're happy as if nothing wrong.. people call it manic.the next minutes you feel empty.. as sarah silverman says it's like being homesick but you're at home.and people call it depression. It's tiring.too tiring. You love being alone too much. The comfort of your own bubble. People said you don't open up. Tbh people never ask. People say you look fine. Well i am fine technically I'm just tired. What are you tired of? Nothingness..emptiness..hollowness.