Having too perfect brain is too tiring. You can think everything and nothing at the same time. You can feel everything to a point all you can feel is emptiness.

I know what people is going to say and I know they means well. But I don't need it because I already know it. It doesn't make it any better. It doesn't console me. I am already comforted by the loneliness.

All I want is space. I don't need chit chat I don't need questions and answers I don't need sympathy..I don't need it! Just know that you can make people like me feel better by leave us alone. Give some space because people like us can mend our own heart can think beyond than what you think.

Us? There are many out there like me. I know because I just know. And I know many people out there don't know how to comfort us. So please..what you're doing is not comforting. We are not in pain. We are hanging on. We are already patient we are already strong.. just step back and respect us by giving us space.

Tears is a way my brain comforting my heart.

A date my heart die a little. A day I made a hardest decision. A date I will never forget.

There's only one way to enter the narrow door.
All I can do is to make myself smaller by cutting and tearing down myself.
Just when I think that I have nothing left to lose.
I suddenly look in the mirror and I realize that I have yet to lose my pride.
The hometown I left behind, the people that I miss.
I shake my head to forget it.
Where the river meets deep down under the angry waves,
if only I could get there at least once
I'll sob and laugh until my heart bursts someday and I'll put an end to a long journey
without any regret. -shin hae chul-

And there's this small voice asking "will I be able to put it without regret?"



Sometimes I hate my self for all the mistakes and pain that I have done.
Sometimes I make excuses and I run.
Then I try to justify my self. "What else can be done?"
I did the right thing. "Did I?"

I'm always overwhelm by "life"every time I take  a look at it. Shocking? Maybe. Its more like mirror. What you see and how you see it that makes it different. Different pair of eyes see different reflection. Some is pretty some is pain. And you realize as time passes all you ever have with you wherever you are is your reflection. All you have is you, all I have is Me. We walk alone no matter how many people around us. We are our own self. Own it!. the least we could do to make it up to all the hurt that we cause non-other than ourselves.

All I have is my mistakes and regrets.But because of that I'm able to learn many things.I am my own self.

Please get well soon..please.
I look tough I act tough I am crazy at some point but I do have a heart. And I rarely open my heart to anyone or anything. Because it hurts more when something very dear to me is in pain. I am so sorry I didn't know..I truly am. If I'd known that you got problem I would've done something earlier. When you got sick I thought you will get well after 2 3 days like usual. But because of my stupid carelessness the infection get worst and you starting to get very high fever, and you need flushing. And then I thought you will be fine.. but I was wrong again. You are in much deeper pain. You got infection in your blood that causes liver problem( at least that's what I understand from what the vet says) sorry 😔 Shiro biology is not your master's strongest point. But because of my carelessness again! You are in this place. I am sorry again...so sorry. I did realize that you are not acting like normal. And my stupidity get the better of me. I chose to believe that you're fine and that you just being fussy. ( you are fussy but then again I shouldn't assume.)

The vet says he's pretty awesome that he still doing okay even though he loss quite a lot of weight. She did says that if it is a viral infection that causes the jaundice he's going to be in a very bad situation. Maybe because he did get a full vaccination and a crazy protective mother..Maybe that's why you still able to hang on. Please hang in there and get better..please pleaseeeeeee. I don't think I can handle the guilt and I definitely can't handle heart break very well. Nda dh nangis teresak2.. asu pun nak nangis jugak tapi kang jap gi lagi teruk Nda nangis. Masuk tandas nangis sorang2..huhu

You are my cat and you are my 1st baby you are my prrrecious.
I am so sorry. Thank God you are strong and Thank God I took you to the vet.
Please get well super soon I love you damn much. It hurt.
I sound like a crazy cat lady and I don't care.