i'll be fine
i will be fine
i want to be fine
i need to believe i will be.
***
never i ever imagine
i'd feel it again
.
it's bad.
run
away
far away
.
dont try
dont even bother to try
.
dont go there
just dont
let yourself down
.
let it go
.
the short moment is beautiful
something to enjoy
but not something to keep

i really am floating around right now. not knowing what to do. having no pleasure to do anything. just existing i guess. i am making myself confuse. how to go about this life. i am living the present. but not really. my head is somewhat in reality but not, everything seems in cloudnine. everything just pass by. everyday went by with me not really present but at the same time realizing how real it feels the passing of time is. some things is best not be felt. i guess god truly answering my prayers. i am thankful as much as i am at lost. how human does that sound. 

current state of mind: doesn't have suicidal thought doesn't mean you want to live.
.
anhedonia: inability to feel pleasure
.
nothing really matters.
.
i laugh
i cry
i live
and it's empty
.
is this the cost to survive
a lost cost
.
it's treatable they said
back in my head i do hope so too
maybe
.

good taste is better than bad taste, but bad taste is better than no taste - arnold bennett

.
a lost cost is a lost cost
live is the only answer
the only salvaging i can do
.
you can't gain back the loses but you can salvage the situation by making more profit to cover the loses to make it balance
.
so live
cause no harm
do good
stay alive
keep existing
even how empty it is

life is a learning process

I really do belong in hell.
I dont even know what to do. I do what i feel like doing. I am so sorry mother. I am not a good daughter. I've turn into this monster. I hate everything. Including maybe you too. I don't even know what is what anymore. I can't. I am not nice. I know you are sick but i seriously dont know how to handle you. I know i am wrong. U deserve better. I dont have the patience. I cannot. I just cant.
.
The sad part is
I know what am doing is not right
But i dont know how else am i suppose to handle you.
This is messing with my head.
I can't even stand it. Hearing your voice
Why am i like this

the beast in me is growing.

i don't even see a future

doctorate study is something else i'd say that.

never in my entire life have i feel i know nothing and nothing at all.
searching for knowledge in a structured way at the same time benefiting others only then there is a meaning to the knowledge. is not easy-
definitely not easy.
never said it was easy but no one ever said it was this hard
they did tho..
but never i ever imagine it is this hard.
hardship is incomparable-
every hardship is entitle in it environment and situation
nothing is less than the other.
how human sometime fails to see that. most of them ~

patah seribu harapan. ini lah agaknya rasa tu. hahaha drama ngatttt
tawar hati, hilang semangat, hilang arah tujuan all in one kinda feeling.
nak ada semangat ni yang penat. imagine have your heart broken again and again from the same thing. and keep feeling self insufficient. lacking in every way possible. can blame no one but oneself. but no one could give the answer than oneself. how fuck up is that?

i really need to let this out.
one of those days all i want is just be alone.
but at the same time not being alone. or maybe just someone to be alone with.
but now is not that.
.
now i justa want to be alone. like for some time. give me space. i am so used to being alone. i grew up being my own friend. so please let me be comfortable being alone.
.
unfortunately my mother is sick. bad
 i know she need me
i know that
but i also a human
i have my needs.
need to be alone.
please.
it is so suffocating.
every 5 minutes asu asu asu asu asu asu
like fuck.
please. tidur pun asu
.
i just keep quiet to avoid being rude.
i know am loser jackass like that.
just leave me alone. i love you mother but.. so frustrating  knowing you can't control it either mother. i know. and it is just unfortunate. i am also just a human. a mere human.
how unfortunate. i don't even has a place to talk to.
whenever i say something. all the answer i get. sabar la biasala tu.
 fuck you. i know la. i just need to let it out.
.
i am letting it out. let it all outttttttt here! hah
hoping to get better. dunno how long this gonna take.
i've been very tired for the past few days. feels like living zombie. damn tired