thank you for sticking around
thank you for not giving up
am proud of you.
you did good.
keep trying aight..
keep living
.
so many people are happy you are born.
at least give back as much even if it is hard.
.
chill and live

be careful it can't be seen doesn't mea it doesn't exist
.
human being cannot run from it can it.
no matter what your reasoning.
the attention. all want attention
it some sort of satisfaction i guess.
.
it's embarrassing to caught yourself being one of them
.
no thanks.
no matter how much temptation
don't get yourself caught in one.
.
attention seeker

when the topic came up first thing most people around me would say depressed people is quiet, shy lack of self-confidence..and all that.
.
i wonder
what am i?
.
i would never say am shy.
anxious self conscious yes
i hate to go out. most of the time i feel like all eyes on me. most likely not..but my anxiety just make me feels so. it's not that severe. i don't hake the whole body or literally unfunctioning. i maange. i just don't make eye contact. it's awkward.
.
anxiety checked
.
i am not the bravest person on earth but i wouldn't say i don't have confidence in me. may be little but not inexistent. i manage. some even says i am so good at talking. soconfidence in myself. well you don't know me enough. the emptiness inside, the 'i care less' makes me able to do all this. 

i wonder from time to time how will i survive this life. this heart of mine how long can it last. the sadness. the pain the longingness the emptiness the yearning. how long can it still beating how long till it still and nothing more nothing less. i wonder

sometimes
the feeling came back as if a greeting of an old friend
i took it as my heart signal when it's tired. so i rest it up. i refuse to give a chance to explain.  avoiding feeling is the best possible way.i know and it knows i know. we try to understand each other. as we belong to Allah and only Allah.

there is not my place to question. He is the owner He is the most benevolence. i accept it. so i swallow it. but i am also a human being. i need to work it through this heart of mine. the yearning is unbearable at time. it just kept reminding me this lonely life of mine. this sad life of mine. my dream is to be happy. a little bit happier in this sad life of mine.

i guess my heart is really tired today
my heart cannot stop crying.
i am so sorry

my heart it's empty but the heaviness is beyond anything in this world.
my heart it's silence but the scream only i can hear.
my heart it's missing someone whom i don't even know
my heart it's don't even belong to me. forgive me i can't do much.

suddenly time became too fast to grab any thing
too slow to pass
too painful to see
too short to live
.
.
sometimes it's too short
sometimes too long.
which is it?
.
.
time
how beautiful
everything is time
too much to fill it
too much
.
.
is it possible?
is it --
.
.
too scared to live it
coward
.
.
too much to feel it all
too much
it's too much
.
.
how?
.
.
and turn to escape.
void
shut your eyes when it's wide open
silence the sound
nothing
it's nothing.
.
.
it's short but it's long
it's a very lonely road.

the coldness of this aircond is freezing my tiny fingers. i am looking for a reason to not proceed with whatever work needed to be done. what am i doing now is definitely escaping from responsibility. i'm here almost everyday now. this slow life am living is very boring. but am seeing me getting more and more accustom to the routine. is this getting older feels?

I went to do umrah. What a journey I'd say. The process to get there is so freaking mess. Or maybe it's just me an unorganised person. But the paperwork is already a mess. Then got that settled. Just right before going i just had to go through the fcking interview for my phd. Like seriously. I gotta druve to kl but bfore that let's interview first. Like okay. Then- cerita umrah pulak
***
Madinah is fine madinah is great i love it. I'd say i love madinah more then mekah. Just because it's calmer and just love it. Then dugaan satu happen. Tiba2 period. Out of nowhere. What i can is damn it just turn my life upside down in a blink. Tiba2 rasa jahil giler for not knowing anything what should i do bila dlm.ihram but period. Then read read read mcm org giler. Then 3 days of doa and doa and doa and cries. The frustration tuhan je tahu. Next-
Dugaan dua- sakit.
Me and demam is not a good combo. When i got sick i got really freaking sick it's frightening. 2 days bfore back to msia i suddenly like suddenly caught a cold. Batuk2 then suddenly heavy fever. To a point i start shivering. I feel so bad to my big sis and thankful at the same time. She has to take care of my mother and she has to take care of me. (I think i kinda know ady why Allah bagi dugaan ni. I have an issue and i have a perangai yg allah nk tunjuk. Am just human ingat tu. You can't live alone. You need people in life. Be thankful for your family. Which maybe i am not thankful enough). Then-
Journey balik is another dugaan. Nothing goes smoothly. It's like there's just something wrong somewhere. Flight delay. My mother being very difficult. Me demam. The seating is just a mess. All problematic. Same goes bila smpai msia. The mess is real. Me yg sakit got more sick. Seriously i am thankful for my sis. I couldn't even say it am just being me stupid egotistical idiot. I'v got everyone worried. Almost masuk hospital but me is degil. Lololol no hospital. Hate it. After 1 week got better.
*****
But guess what dugaan tuhan is not done. Dugaan umrah and dugaan phd. Only god knows why things happen the way it is. Wkwkwkwkwk now here i am tired but it's not done yet. In a bus writing this just because i think it's important for me to remember this. Be more thankful for my family. I am just human so don't get get too cocky you need other people you need god. As for what happen take it as it is. Do better next time kamz do better. Be better. Give back to those people. Sabar. Sabar
 Sabar.
Don't go back to depression. Almost.. but you didn't. You fight it. Good job kamz good job. You doin good. Not great but it's okay. Don't hate. Just sabar and take it as it is. It's okay. You're not perfect. It's okay.

time-

where to?
the needs to travel is like the needs to breath.
and now it feels suffocating.
i need to go
to a place--
a place of solace.