today i lost it.
no more.
so close.
all i could think of
last wish.
again and again i thought what's my last wish
last food to taste
last thing to do
one last thing
.
please no more.
.
god don't give up
but i do

for so long she's been holding to this tiny winy rope
and she don't have the desire no more
it's driving her crazy.
.
she have a talk
the talk.
with a friend
because she can't talk her self over no more
.
god don't give up
but i do
.
she don't want to go home
it doesn't feel like home
it's not home
.
allah maha pengampun
you can do this. fight
.
how she wish she can.
.
i guess that's  her last wish


fight.

mom: asu
me: hmm
mom: asu potong rambut pendek sesuai la nampak comey. hensem.. aah nampak hensem
me: yup. i know that since forever. (smirk face) wakakakakaka
.
.
.
please stay with us for a long time mother. i am scared that one day i wake up and you are not there anymore. that is one scary thought.

everything is clear
the smell
the colour
the uneven road

Today for the first time she actually feel something. Sad or pain or fear maybe all of it. It's still blurry.
.
It's suffocating. She can't really breath. Her heart beating too fast it hurt. And she want to cry so bad. So she did.
.
Because today she saw the pain of her mother's. Today she feel the mother's sadness Today she clearly capture the view of her mother's fear. Today she learn. Today she understand.
.
Oh Dear God.
Oh dear brain. Don't go and just bam on me like that. The rate of understanding is just crazy. I just saw everything too clearly. All the emotion. EVERYTHING. Slow down a bit. Am nothing but just a man trying to keep my sanity. Balance. So..fucking slow it down a bit. Am getting a headache now
.
She can't feel it most the time. But she can see it. Understand it.
.
It broke her heart. Feeling so powerless. Nothing can be done to ease the mother's pain. So she cry.
Again.
.
Oh brain you're so fucked up.
What am I gonna do with you?
.
someone told her last night. "how lucky to be her. wanted to be her wanted to borrow her for once. don't feel don't care."
.
*smirking*
try being her? come
come and try it.
give it your best.
it's not easy taming a beast. come
come and try it.
everyday all day.
it's very dark place. come
come and try it
to live with nothingness.
it's very FUN to just have a gaze on everything
come and try it.
maybe you can give your little brain some exercise.
.
i'll be here. if you want
hmm hmm hmm hmmmm
hmm hmm hmmmm hmmmm
let's
hope
you
survive
the
FUN
ride.

there are too many things that i don't understand. one of them- when people don't understand what i understand. why? second- the clarity of the illogical things that people find so fascinating. why? third- when people find it funny when someone sincerely asking a question. why?
.
.
level 2
]]]]

the practical and most basic needs that any human need is to able to live. but there are so many out there don't even know how to. why? i just cannot brain all this. this gives me a headache. to be continued...lulz..

Desperate. Yes. How far can she go. Slowly she's heading to a road that feels so familiar. Like walking back home. The voice keeps echoing over and over "you might go to the end of the world but you will always belong to this place."
.
"At least she tries."she said
She learn she go out looking for herself. But she knows she will always go back to free herself because that's where she belong.
.
I guess it's time to say I am home. Hello darkness my true friend. I can feel the welcoming smile.
.
Illusion can't be real. True.
Be careful, the real can be illusion too.
.
Red riding hood running from the wolf?
.
Red riding hood walking with wolf?
.
Is it foe?
Is it friend?
.
Not all you see meant what it meants