the coldness of this aircond is freezing my tiny fingers. i am looking for a reason to not proceed with whatever work needed to be done. what am i doing now is definitely escaping from responsibility. i'm here almost everyday now. this slow life am living is very boring. but am seeing me getting more and more accustom to the routine. is this getting older feels?

I went to do umrah. What a journey I'd say. The process to get there is so freaking mess. Or maybe it's just me an unorganised person. But the paperwork is already a mess. Then got that settled. Just right before going i just had to go through the fcking interview for my phd. Like seriously. I gotta druve to kl but bfore that let's interview first. Like okay. Then- cerita umrah pulak
***
Madinah is fine madinah is great i love it. I'd say i love madinah more then mekah. Just because it's calmer and just love it. Then dugaan satu happen. Tiba2 period. Out of nowhere. What i can is damn it just turn my life upside down in a blink. Tiba2 rasa jahil giler for not knowing anything what should i do bila dlm.ihram but period. Then read read read mcm org giler. Then 3 days of doa and doa and doa and cries. The frustration tuhan je tahu. Next-
Dugaan dua- sakit.
Me and demam is not a good combo. When i got sick i got really freaking sick it's frightening. 2 days bfore back to msia i suddenly like suddenly caught a cold. Batuk2 then suddenly heavy fever. To a point i start shivering. I feel so bad to my big sis and thankful at the same time. She has to take care of my mother and she has to take care of me. (I think i kinda know ady why Allah bagi dugaan ni. I have an issue and i have a perangai yg allah nk tunjuk. Am just human ingat tu. You can't live alone. You need people in life. Be thankful for your family. Which maybe i am not thankful enough). Then-
Journey balik is another dugaan. Nothing goes smoothly. It's like there's just something wrong somewhere. Flight delay. My mother being very difficult. Me demam. The seating is just a mess. All problematic. Same goes bila smpai msia. The mess is real. Me yg sakit got more sick. Seriously i am thankful for my sis. I couldn't even say it am just being me stupid egotistical idiot. I'v got everyone worried. Almost masuk hospital but me is degil. Lololol no hospital. Hate it. After 1 week got better.
*****
But guess what dugaan tuhan is not done. Dugaan umrah and dugaan phd. Only god knows why things happen the way it is. Wkwkwkwkwk now here i am tired but it's not done yet. In a bus writing this just because i think it's important for me to remember this. Be more thankful for my family. I am just human so don't get get too cocky you need other people you need god. As for what happen take it as it is. Do better next time kamz do better. Be better. Give back to those people. Sabar. Sabar
 Sabar.
Don't go back to depression. Almost.. but you didn't. You fight it. Good job kamz good job. You doin good. Not great but it's okay. Don't hate. Just sabar and take it as it is. It's okay. You're not perfect. It's okay.

time-

where to?
the needs to travel is like the needs to breath.
and now it feels suffocating.
i need to go
to a place--
a place of solace.

today might be one of the days that i need to remember.
.
.
.
are you sure? you want to do this? are you ready? yes rezeki jangan ditolak. lagi lagi rezeki yang datang bergolek. ko kan unik. but this is your life. you once did a mistake. a very big mistake that turns everything around. your life went chaos.
.
.
tapi semua perjalanan tuhan dah tentukan..
tapi
tapi
tapi.....
.
scary isn't it. every step you take especially this next step. could change your whole life. the commitment you need to give. you who hate commitment need to commit! can you do this?
.
.
.
i don't know and still don't know. most likely i'll never know
we'll see soon. if..



me to me: jangan buat perangai okay. dah besar. dah pandai self control.
brain: heart don't do something stupid.
heart: haipppp definitely!!!
5 minutes later
heart: O oh pwetty la pulak dia.
brain: shit heart. don't start! arghhhhhh

today again.

the pain is unexplainable.
all she could think of
how long do i have to endure it?
how long do i have till i can't walk?
what's next?

again today is a bad day haa
hang in there. just hang in there.
just fcking hold on okay.
you need this conversation ain't it?
..

they said it's okay everyone feels the same.
then why no one find the answer/cure?
they said it will passed.
when?
they said you are not alone.
then where is everyone?
they said you have to fight it.
how?
they said it is only in your mind.
then how to get it out?
they said a lot of thing..
but none is useful.

my best advice don't listen to them. they don't know a thing. no one knows other then you. whatever is in your mind is yours. it's either you keep it/throw it/ love it/embrace it/hate it. it's your call it's your decision to make.

.
.

and i have mine.