so self-confidence is there..

.

so-

.
one of those days-
it just came.
waking with no motivation
everything needs to be forced
it's like i have two brains
one wouldn't move. refused to function
another would force me to do things..be human.
this fight is constant. one of those days-
sometimes i don't even realize it's not healthy.
sometime i would realize it like a snap of a finger. it just dawns on me how unproductive i am. for how long have i been like 'this'? just sitting in my room do nothing. in this avoidance. it is like a black hole. the nothingness. nothing interest you. nothing. just to do basic thing just seems so... there's no word to describe it. then i try to reach out. but it's hard. my friends they are nice people. but i am sorry none of them is helping. it's back. well it's never been away. just it's getting worst again i think. the episode keeps coming more constant nowadays.
.
i guess it's time to get help.
i need to survive
i need to get out of it
it's just tiresome.
.
just go out they say
.
how i wish it was that easy. just to walk seems not happening without another part of me forcing me.
this constant internal fight. it is tiresome.
how i wish i could just go out do things.
.
i don't even know whether this is depression or not.
i don' even know whether this is normal or not
i don't even know maybe this is common
i don't care. i am just tired.

***

i value my family more. i saw them differently from i used to. am involved in a huge car crash. and amazingly i survive. nothing happen. but the car is damn. i still remember the car spinning before i crash. i still remember i turn the steering so that i didn't hit all the street seller on the roadside. i still remember i loss the control over the car. i still remember the car speeding towards the roadside. and i don't want to be a killer. this people going to hurt badly. i still remember every single of this. my thought my heartbeat at that very moment. even in that very minute all i can think of is don't cause others harm. without thinking of my own being. i turn the steering with all my might. thus the spin and spin. and bang. opening my eyes to a lot of dust and smokes. this pakcik calling me. adik keluar keluar keluar. i need to find my phone. i need to call my sister. i am so sorry. i need to tell my sister. that is all i could think of. and am so annoyed with this pakcik. relax la. bukan ape pon. trying to get out of the car. i guess my body doesn't share the same sentiment as my brain. my leg failed me. i almost fall to the ground. everything start spinning. holding to a stranger. i just don't want to collapse. well the is...damn. then it dawn on me, i crashed bad. i could've lost my leg. thankfully not. 

***

what the hell am i suppose to do?

this

this feeling

what am i suppose to do?

i don't feel anything?

i should be fill with terror

i don't.

i should be in tears

i don't

i should not be this calm

i did.

what the hell am i suppose to do?

i got in huge accident. and i am too damn cool. is this okay to be this calm? 

why?

is it age? 

***

i saw weird shit in life. it gave me some sort of feeling. at least. 

but i am too calm considering.

shivering and shivering

i saw it coming bang there it is. am scared. i think that's what scared feel. i am positive am scared i think. well i feel something at least. 5 minutes later i am eating like nothing happen-

i suddenly bersilat. and i found it too damn funny. how the fvck do i know this? why am i doing this?

what the f is all this? 

5 minutes later. watching movie like nothing happen.

why am like this?

and here i am not understanding any of this-

i saw it again yesterday.

my dear heart is too damn calm.

why?

i am more nervous being in a confrontation. 

what am i suppose to do?

confrontation is no. 

you are a pure introvert kamz

self analyzing like this to damn normal.

what am suppose to do with this?

***

it'll be all right if not...it's left.