everything changes.
i grow so much. i did so much. i tried so much. i hide so much. i learn so much.
and
.
here i am.
stay put
the same spot
.
here i am talking to myself again,
i maybe cannot feel.
but i do know what pain is.
i do know what hurt is.
i fucking know what self worthless feel
.
it's been awhile hah
it's been awhile my old friend.
hye!
.
welcome back!
.
i guess i miss you.
.
i know i can never be perfect.
and i am fucking sorry.
.
i know i am a burden.
believe me
.
I know.
.
if not because of God
i'll long gone
.
hold on
just hold on.
.
God
i don't know how long i can hold on
Im so tired.
.
please
.
this so freaking funny.
ain't it.
i just understand why i don't feel anymore
.
you will never be that person
you will be normal.
stop daydreaming.
fuck normal.
.
you'll always be nothing.
that's your specialty
.
you have nothing
nothing but a burden.
yeah!!!!!!!
.
i am so sorry.
i really am
.
im done.
.
my brain going to be the death of me one day.

terkadang kita lupa hingga keluhan menjadi teman

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terkadang kita lupa hidup ini sementara

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terkadang kita lupa manusia itu sifatnya berbolak balik

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terkadang kita lupa ibu itu anugerah paling besar dari allah

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terkadang kita lupa kita ini bukanlah siapa siapa, hanya engkau yang diberi nama.

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terkadang kita lupa ini mungkin ramadhan terakhir

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rindunya sudah menyinggah

passing through a wedding along the road
the same question came across one's mind
is the bride beautiful
are the couple match each other
how did they meet
how did they know that they are the one for each other
how sure are they about everything
.
Make one wonder as it doesn't seem logical nor its attainable.
there's no senses in that
only bound by religion make it solid reason.
.
But sometimes make one annoyed
the emptiness that been shoved deep down slowly creeping up
thus, came the question
will I ever met thee person?
.
2 minutes later. nope. no thanks.
one have a like life and one is happy. maybe not super happy but still nope.
too much complication is not my thing. lulz
.
One cannot grasp the concept of "need to get married my life is incomplete, i need my other half"
THEE ARE WHOLE BEING NOT HALF
the desperation reflecting in thy eyes is unbelievable.
it's a pity sometimes.


.

When it happen you can't even feel it. You don't know what to feel. You cry because parting never feel good. But you never understand why you cry, sad maybe?. Till one day you feel this nothingness yet solid, hollowness but heavy feeling all at once.
*
Never like to talk about it. Never want to talk about it. I'm not good at it. Shameful of who I am that drove me to this. I never been close to you. I never try to understand you. Not even once I try to make an effort to be nicer to you. I did with a set of mind what need to be done and it is only right to do so. Sometimes I wonder what it's like 'if' I just make an effort. I never kiss you I never hug you only until you leave that I did all this. I am young and stupid. I have 17 years and not once I told you I love you. I just wish I did even just once. But I didn't. And I can't go to you now. If I can I want to give you a bear hug. I want to say thank you for having my back when the teachers hit me. Thank you for your effort to be the man in my life.  Thank you for not running away when it's hard. I know it must be hard and I know you tried your best too. Because you only a man and I only grasp all this now.
*
Surprisingly I miss you. I can see more and more of you in me. How my brain works is definitely from you. My bad temper is also from you..you can't deny that.( haha tak tahu nak gelak or nak nangis.both lah) My passion for trees and outdoors is so you. I don't believe it either but guess what I just naturally do love it. My compassion for others is growing more and more like yours too. Always want to help even though it hurts yourself.
I am your daughter.
*
Been thinking about you a lot
It's time for closure.
I am so sorry. One of the regrets that will always stays in my heart. Ayah.
#blogbanjir

I won't regret saying this 
This thing 
That I'm saying 
Is it better than 
Keeping my mouth shut 
That goes without saying 
Call, break it off 
Call, break my own heart 
Maybe I would have been 
Something you'd be good at 
Maybe you would have been 
Something I'd be good at 
But now we'll never know 
I won't be sad 
But in case 
I'll go there 
Everyday, 
To make myself feel bad 
There's a chance 
I'll start to wonder 
If this was the thing to do 
I won't be out long 
But I still think it better if 
You take your time 
Coming over here 
I think that's for the best 
Call, break it off 
Call, break my own heart 
Maybe I would have been 
Something you'd be good at 
Maybe you would have been 
Something I'd be good at 
But now 
We'll never know 
I won't be sad 
But in case 
I'll go there 
Everyday, 
To make myself feel bad 
There's a chance 
I'll start to wonder 
If this was the thing to do 
I'll start to wonder 
If this was the thing to do

You're there..but within a minute you are forgotten.
I think everyone crave to have that person don't have to be many..just one person is enough. To just understand..be there..without you ask..without you say anything. Sadly it's impossible.

Joy is acceptance.