killing hope
10:59:00 PMpainfully fighting the desire to date. hope can bring the doom for someone like me. love is not for me. but it doesn't mean i don't yearn for it. sometimes i wonder if i'll ever feel like what other people feel. what love is. will i be able to enjoy it? how does it feel to be like by someone you like? how does it feel to yearn and long for someone you adore and wanted. how does it feel feel to be loved by someone you love? all this makes one looking for someone. unfortunately my sanity keeping me in check. don't make the same mistake thrice.
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with the same ending. the one who get hurt is you yourself. miserable and pathetic it sound. life must go on. not everything revolved around us and life is not just what we want. life is all that surround us and everything matters. i have to get to term of me being coward. not going after what i want. living the life that i want. be the one you always wanted to be. everyday seems fake. everyday hiding yourself. till a moment you no longer care what matters and what not.
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Allah always have my heart from the beginning till the end. i am not going to change that for one bit. i am nothing without Him. But i also cannot change the fact that i am imperfect human with many flaws and needs. the pain only He knows. and He knows i am having this conversation with myself because i am trying to reason myself from doing something that i can't finish.
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I don't know what's my future going to be. He knows. that's why my hope my dream is just my hope my dream. how many more days, weeks, months and years can i go on? i don't know. and right now i am on the verge to have a break down. life is not that easy. i can't just close my eyes and turn around and everything will go as what i plan. Responsibility. as crazy i am my conscience still functioning.
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countless night emptiness of war within and countless tears become my sleeping partner. killing hope become a routine. reasoning all the feelings. should feel should not feels. sometimes i just get so confused and i run.
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will i ever stop running?
will heart ever learn?
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i wrote this a while back.
me: wtf did i just wrote??
me: i wrote this??
me: how?
me: LOL
me to me: is am so proud of you.
me to me: you get through it! your brain is just fucked up. LOLOLOL
belogie i know you don't understand me. i don't understand me. keeping this blog and keep writing apparently good for me. it's keeping my feet on the ground at the same time be lost in my own world.
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