how long will this little heart survive.

i am sorry.

the fight is too tiring.

i tried.

the beast is me i love it as much.

.

.

i don't want to get  depress and i didn't for a while now.

but it is at a cost

i am losing my heart

.

.

allah is the only listener i have. allah is the only focal point i ever had and will always have.

but i am not good. i am sorry.

but i really do love you.

everything is just too much. i am just tired. 

i don't even sure i'd have a future

i don't even see that far

i can't even think that far

i am not capable-

.

to go through another day is just as another fight to stay above water

to fight through another day is another effort 

to live is breathed and pass the time

to loose something is not as significant

nothing is significant nowadays-

.

an advise of the best blessing is 

to love and be loved.

thematically 

to feel joy is enough 

but-

***

can't even understand 

can't even relates

can't even feel such thing

called love.

even

to find a simple thing called joy is and an invisible struggle

***

not lack of effort

not against it

not being ungrateful

not trying to blame others either

***

the wish to think differently. everyday.

how? 

.

i smile

i cry

i laughed

i understand as much as i don't understand

.

fully aware of this demon

slowly befriend this demon

it's lonely

thus i stay

neither hate it nor love it

.

.

.

hopelessness is:

seeing yourself drowning in an invisible black void space

not pained

not sad

not hate

not insignificant nor it significant

just nothing.

.

.

am is scared?

yes-

sometimes. 

.

fear of oneself

one day i might just stop fighting

too tired.

i'll just let my self drown-

what is phd?

phd is basically looking for something with eyes closed

so self-confidence is there..

.

so-

.
one of those days-
it just came.
waking with no motivation
everything needs to be forced
it's like i have two brains
one wouldn't move. refused to function
another would force me to do things..be human.
this fight is constant. one of those days-
sometimes i don't even realize it's not healthy.
sometime i would realize it like a snap of a finger. it just dawns on me how unproductive i am. for how long have i been like 'this'? just sitting in my room do nothing. in this avoidance. it is like a black hole. the nothingness. nothing interest you. nothing. just to do basic thing just seems so... there's no word to describe it. then i try to reach out. but it's hard. my friends they are nice people. but i am sorry none of them is helping. it's back. well it's never been away. just it's getting worst again i think. the episode keeps coming more constant nowadays.
.
i guess it's time to get help.
i need to survive
i need to get out of it
it's just tiresome.
.
just go out they say
.
how i wish it was that easy. just to walk seems not happening without another part of me forcing me.
this constant internal fight. it is tiresome.
how i wish i could just go out do things.
.
i don't even know whether this is depression or not.
i don' even know whether this is normal or not
i don't even know maybe this is common
i don't care. i am just tired.