we used to look in the mirror and ask who is that? 

i look like that?

we can never see us inside. for some reason we can never see us. that person is non existence inside. most of the inside is filled with this void. this blank space. that by day became very heavy...

.

she used to cry every night to sleep

she used to question her existence everyday

she still feel empty

but she is trying to live this life.

for once she want to stay alive.

for once she start hoping again. 

a very small hope.

hope that she can stay alive without being miserable.

.

we need to work this together 

we really need to communicate better.

whatever you're feeling we need to communicate better.

we can do this.

well we are trying right now aren't we?!

.

for once stop being a controlling bitch

for once stop trying to be perfect

for once!

.

can you at least stop being too sarcastic?

for once?

.

for once please stop fighting..

be nice.

be nicer to ourselves.

opinions is amazing but be nice

is it too much to ask?

.

this went haywire so fast 

 Pray is all i did

For few months i am stuck

I just became unproductive and just cannot do anything. I tried and it's just not working

Feeling burnout. Lead to feeling unproductive. Lead to self hate. Lead to depression. 

All i did for few months is nothing. That's all i feel. I just couldn't bring myself to do my thesis or my work. It's painful to be in that state.

And for that few month i did what i can do. Pray.

I pray and pray and pray. Everyday asking god to help me. Because i can't help myself. I cried and cried and prayed. It sucks but never stop praying.

And one day last week i just have this thought came to me. "Just do this much everyday and that's enough" keep doing it. And start doing my thesis again. The power of prayers.

I just suddenly able to pick my self up and do my thesis again. Like magic.. 

That i believe is a way Allah is helping is me. And i am very thankful

some things seems so unreachable

this is not some fancy fantasy

this is for something as easy as getting up and move

it's hard

go out.. do something

it's hard

no motivation and no mood 

how are you to go out and do something when you just dont have the motivation. 

it is a lot easy to call it lazy

but it's painful when you are fully aware of your self and frustrated by it

 mood

what do i do with you.

mood 

why is it so complicated for us

mood 

be nicer and be livelier

wish it was that easy to change our mood

There's always two sides

The inside

The outside

It's polar opposite

Too different

Sometimes it's too much

Then you became the spectator of the two side

It gets confusing

Everything went ambiguous so fast you barely grasp it--

It's scary..

The inside is loaded with differences 

So many angle

So many perspective

So many individuality 

The inside in one word is -- scary.

..

The outside is simple

Straightforward 

Easy

Nothing.

Too much nothingness it hurt

It's more hurt seeing it and realising how nothing it is. Empty

The outside is one word is -- scary.

 We're figuring things out. We'll manage.

I don't know how but We'll manage

We always does.

It is a lonely journey either way

With or without therapy

I am tired of all this.

I'll just do whatever comes.

I won't be bad

I am too coward to be one.

I won't be good

I'm too tainted to be one.

I'll just manage.

It is a lonely road regardless.

There's nothing.

It's empty.

It's not bad. It's just nothing.