aku adalah manusia
aku tinggal di bumi
aku yang berumur hampir 20 tahun
aku singgah di bumi dah lama jugak
sejak 11.12.1991
aku adalah makhluk Allah
aku adalah hamba Allah
aku diberi nama oleh nenda aku
nama hanya sekadar untuk panggilan bagi aku
siapa diri aku yang sebanarnya tak dapat digambarkan oleh nama tu
tapi nama yang baik adalah satu doa apabila kita selalu menyabutnya
dan InsayaAllah aku akan jadi sabaik maksud nama aku
aku ditempatkan dalam bersama 6 hamba Allah yang lain
di bumi ni ia dipanggil keluarga

dalam hampir 20 tahun aku singgah dibumi ni
aku belajar banyak perkara..
perkara yang baik dan perkara yang jahat
aku belajar macam mana nak berkawan
aku belajar untuk menyayangi
aku belajar untuk mengasihi
aku belajar untuk menuntut ilmu
aku belajar membenci
aku belajar untuk marah
aku belajar untuk malas
aku belajar untuk berubah~
aku akui aku dah banyak berubah...
tapi tak semua perubahan itu baik dan tak semua perubahan itu buruk..
setiap kesalahan aku...akan diringi rasa kesal, sedih, benci,marah,caci dan maki
sampai suatu masa terdetik di fikiran aku....
sampai bila aku nak jadi macam ni?
bila aku nak dapat ketenangan dari masalah ni?
aku buntu..benar benar buntu...
semuanya gelap....gelap gelita...
apa aku nak buat ni??
aku mula resah..aku mula gelisah..
dan kesedih dan sebak mula mencengkam dada aku...
otak aku ligat mencari jalan keluar dari kegelapan itu...
dalam gelap..aku dengar banyak suara!
suara yang membuat aku ingin lari sejauh yang mungkin.
dalam gelap aku rasa makin lemah..makin lemah...
aku mula merasa ingin menutup mata...
aku mula berharap ini adalah mimpi semata..
tapi hati aku lebih mengerti yang ini lah segala-galanya...
aku sangat lemah sekarang~




okay...cerita akan disambung suatu masa nanti...cerita ni panjang so sape nak tahu cerita selanjutnya sabar erk...

ala-ala Domo-kun ada nih..haha
i'm sooooo anak mak laaaa~
i know its good to always listen to your mother..
dapat keberkatan Tuhan...tapiii
i do want to be a bad girl..i mean do something unplan. or embark on a journey be spontaneous..
best nyaaa!! but i'm not that brave i guess.
banyak bahaya kata mak aku..kalau nak pergi travel sorang2..
but to me bahaya tu ada kat mana-mana...sama jer....
i really do want to do it.. SOOOO MUCH!

apa kan daya sayang nya aku pada mak aku moe than anything~
i can't lie to her.. i just can't.
sooner or later i'll tell her.. aisshhhhh
aku mengaku aku memang nakal..degil..baran..and comel ahahhaha!!
tapi aku tak pernah lawan cakap mak aku.. merajuk tuuu biasa lah kan..
kadang2 rasa cam aku ni baik sangat la pulak.. "skema" anak mak sangat.
kata rock~

hahaha.. i guess i can't see my mom sad.
i've seen too much..
i understand too much thing..
i know too much..
like i said its a gift from God i think. i just know what's goin' on... i just know lah~
and its so tiring...annoying sometimes..
and i just can't do it...
i don't want to do it..
but i want to do it..
adehhhhh apelah..
DILEMMA!!!

last2..mengadu kat blog.
sadis nya aku nih... macam orang xde kawan pulak bunyi nya..
well aku ada kawan.. ramai jer. tapi xde seorang pun yang faham aku and xde seorang pun yang macam aku.
i didn't expect to have someone exactly like me...that's impossoble lah kan..
but i'm unik i know that... well you may call it 'weird' watsoeva la kn~
first time i watch Lilo and Stitch i cried.. i cried hard. my sis dont understand why i cry.. [padahal masa tu baru umur berapa tahun, 11 years old ase nya] ahakzzz hebat kan.. kecik2 dah pndai feeling2.
padahal cerita tu fun and crazy.. but to me that stitch is me...  really do feel like that. (sekarang pown)
and its sucks..ahahhahaha
i want to find my Lilo...and when Lilo pray to send her a friend and she got stitch.. she's damn happy!! i wan to be stitch to have someone to appreciate me like that..to understandme more than i understan them..
letih jugak bila kita selalu je tahu pasal orang lain.. dia sedih ke, dia happy ke dia marah ke... in just short while, aku mesti tahu. [now i wonder is it good or is it bad].

'This is my family. I found it, all on my own. Is little, and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good. '

have i given up?

gagagaggagaga
bila masa la pulak aku kawan ngan ulat ni kan. padahal allergic ngn species2 ulat ni.
tapi apa kan daya..ulat ni memang sebati ngan aku.
tapi ulat ni kelakar. tatau la ape masalah dia kan. walaupun aku sakit hati sebenarnya ngan ulat ni tapi bila fikir balik kelakar sangatttt...haha

actually dah lama nk post kisah ulat yang sekor ni..
but, since im not really the type that love to write..so draggg and draggg lah keje nya. hehe
well alkisah tentang ulat ni...kisah ulat yang terkejut and then bengang dengan aku padahal dia xde hak pun nk marah aku.. suka hati aku lah kan ape aku nak buat..tetibe dia nak emo lebih-lebih..(sengal)

alkisah nya..pada suatu pagi, what i mean by pagi is 5am..hehe aku ni ganas memang ganas tapi aku ni jenis yang suka bangun awal pagi..otak freshhhhh boleh study dengan aman and senang masuk.
kembali kepada kisah si ulat....owhhh lupe aku tak perkenalkan lagi watak ulat ni kan.hehe
ulat ini adalah..ulat resdung a.k.a musuh ketat aku since aku kecik sampai lah jam sekarang entah sampai bila la aku nak berperang dengan dia ni... haissshhh (mengenang nasib badan) haha

walaupun ulat ni musuh aku and dah pelbagai cara dah aku buat untuk menghapuskan ulat ni..
but like one of the doctor i've met, he said "you'll be taking the pills for the rest of your life, there's no cure for this kind of deseased.."..masa tu hati aku macam nak hancur. sapa suka dengar yang kau takkan pernah sembuh. nak cakap doctor ni sengal sebab bagi aku jawapan yang begitu straight forward pun ada jugak.. tapi its the truth so i like it or not..terima je lah~~ (redha je lah) tetiba sedih lak pehal>>>

okay tukar topik.. kembali kepada topik asal !
hah pasal ulat yang emo ngan aku nih...hikhikhik
pagi tu aku tersedar lambat dari biasa.. dalam 5++ pagi baru tersedar so aku macam tersentap camtu.. aku terus bangun then lari2.biasa orang resdung mesti faham..kalau pagi2 ni hidung tu tak pernah nak function ngn betul.. sotsot jerrr.. sooo agaknya ulat tu pun teersentap masa aku tersentap tu... sebab aku terus start bersin tak henti2 for the whole day... memang la seksa tapi the reason is just because aku terkejut masa bangun tidur>>> adoiyaiiii
dia lak yang emo lebih2..bengan jugak aku..but at the same time funny as hell~ ahakzzz

well cik ulat sila bersabar yerrrr aku boleh sabar ngan kau..takkan kau xleh sabar ngan aku kan.. dah la kau tu menumpang je kat badan orang!!
pace no war...(nasib baik ulat ni tak pandai membaca kan)
gagagagga kalau tak mahu tercetusnya perang dunia ke-4

-sigh-
...................
now: the mood is down
now: i hate myself more than anything else
now: i'm trying my best in everything; and Lord its hard !
now: i don't know what to do. i try, i try and still trying...aishhh susahnya



how can someone have lots of patience in them?
how lah??
i'm really curious...how did they do that?
what do they eat?
is there anything that i should do or eat or anything>>>>



the matter of heart is always hard;
the problem with emotion gives me stomach ulcer;
the stress with behavior gives me headache;
the tension of living itself gives me goose bum;
can i give up?
i did once didn't i?...it doesn't work out~
now you want to do it again? really? seriously?
what's wrong with me?
i'm getting more and more closer to bipolar disorder huh?
i guess there always a reason why God made you think about something even if you never knew bout it~
and here i am..thinking and finding myself in this position..
what the hell lah?!



i really believe in God.. i do.. i really do.
i want to be better muslim...and its just soooo hard.
i relly do need YOU rigt now..
its keep on coming and i can't stop it
i can't control it..





and i'm getting tired of it..




  

"Teacher can i ask you a question?"
'sure, you may ask me anything' ...
"why do you wear big spec?" [muka innocent habis>>>>>>>>>]

Aduh soalan dia~ menggamit jiwa~ hahahhaha
it never crossed my mind for them to ask me this...fuhhhhhhhhhhhhh -sigh-
speechless you 0..0 [amek kau budak zaman sekarang kuriositi tinggi]
Shock?
hell yeah! still kind of adorable...

i'm not really good in this kind of thing 'teaching' but its not bad for a first timer like me right..kehkehkeh
its been sooooo long since i've  left the primary school.. and today its my first time to go to school but playing a different role...a teacher.
WOW right!! haha
i've shocked myself...

back to school now...
i learn something from it
and i kinda miss the old days at the same time i can feel the aura you know~~ the school it has its own aura..its different.. i dunno but its like something's there that can't be describe with words..
maybe because half of my life i spent in school....so its norm right to feel like coming home.
its that kind of feeling..
then you start to reminiscing, then smiling sorang2 haha...
However..i never want to go back to school as a student that for sure.. huhu the feeling of relief to be able to get out from school is still there.. -freedom-
maybe some might say 'owh i wish i can go back to school' well its different for me>>>
leaving school is one of the best feeling in my life... like i said i'm not boring
 i'm not a mr.bean or anything i just have a different interest and that's make me special~~ ^^ [pujilah diri sendiri dah xde org nk tlg pujikan]

now lets go back to the teacher thing~
teaching for the first time.....hummm fun should i say, exciting and most definitely nervous...
and make sure you take your breakfast..oohohoho it sure do need a lot of energy to cope with those kids yang energy diorang rechargeable withind few second je la aku rase...
i can't believe myself, i just handled about 50 student!!! alone>>>
amazing !...dah la siap ada gaduh2..adehh aku dah la tak biasa dengan budak tetibe gaduh pulak.. [berdobar den]... and still i can't find myself to scold this kids..that's it they just kids..i don't think scolding is the only method..i know its wrong to fight but i've been a kid once i think i understand what they're going through so i try my best not to scold them.. and i try to talk it through... i'm not in the best place to bagi nasihat pasal ego lah kan..gagagaga since my ego is like nun tinggi melangit..i know that. but i want them to understand why its not right to fight with each other not just to make them scared of me and they'll stop fighting because i said so.. no, i want them to understand the importance of it.. to me itulah mendidik~
maybe it sound classic me...well that's me~ haha




thank God i'm not a teacher just teacher for a day~ huhu tak mampu rasanya aku nak hidup macam ni hari-hari...gagagaga **fening fening**

there are times when you don't even realize that you have taken few of your limited time just by doing nothing
i don't even remember what i'm thinking
i can't even recall what have i been doing during those times
it rather odd i would say
such a thing happen to me..
weird~
freaky~
self centered~
yup that's me..and one more thing cool~ ahakz