Just because we don't talk doesn't mean I don't think about you. I'm just trying to distance myself because I know I can't have you. - Wiz Khalifa-

Sometimes I am puzzled am I in love with you or with the feeling... and I just don't get it why I can't get you out of my mind. It's not me...

now am wondering am I missing u or what

Sometimes I wonder what do you think of me?
Sometimes I wonder do you EVER think of me?
Well what ever it is. I hope you are happy and healthy.




Damn I'm thinking bout you...again?! what--why
Damn me...heh great job heart great job!

so many years,countless tears

I guess a piece of my heart will never stop "this non-sense feeling or whatever it is" that I don't even understand. All I know is am happy and sad at the same time.

December
you are wet,
you make me feel all mushy and I don't like it
December
you are so cozy.
don't come if you gonna leave,
but sometimes,
December
don't come!
you have broken so many hearts
Me and others.
But here I am waiting for you
Loyal to the bone.
all the flaws I see in you-
and yet
You are still my favorite month.
December
a month of thankful
a month of goodbyes.
You are the best Month with the coolest name!
sincerely from December Girl.

For Malaysian December is like winter except there is no snow but there is rain.
For me Kelantanese Malaysian December is not just about raining all day, it,s a season to  be in blanket all day eat hot sweet potato, hot putu halba (Kelantanese local food) with the sound of rain tap tap tap on the window. It's a scary season too for some, because we have some disastrous flood from time to time. There this tight knot in our stomach that worries is it gonna be a flood this year or not. Last year, we have the worst flood ever in history. Many lost their home, even till today there are still many who still sleeps in tenth like camping for one whole year. This is all thanks to the "MOST AWESOME GOVERNMENT" of ours. Some government we have right. Negara maju sangattttt.
That's being said..all the bittersweet December. I still hope I see December as it marks another year I have gone through. Another year comes and goes.

This December..my December.

Having too perfect brain is too tiring. You can think everything and nothing at the same time. You can feel everything to a point all you can feel is emptiness.

I know what people is going to say and I know they means well. But I don't need it because I already know it. It doesn't make it any better. It doesn't console me. I am already comforted by the loneliness.

All I want is space. I don't need chit chat I don't need questions and answers I don't need sympathy..I don't need it! Just know that you can make people like me feel better by leave us alone. Give some space because people like us can mend our own heart can think beyond than what you think.

Us? There are many out there like me. I know because I just know. And I know many people out there don't know how to comfort us. So please..what you're doing is not comforting. We are not in pain. We are hanging on. We are already patient we are already strong.. just step back and respect us by giving us space.

Tears is a way my brain comforting my heart.

A date my heart die a little. A day I made a hardest decision. A date I will never forget.

There's only one way to enter the narrow door.
All I can do is to make myself smaller by cutting and tearing down myself.
Just when I think that I have nothing left to lose.
I suddenly look in the mirror and I realize that I have yet to lose my pride.
The hometown I left behind, the people that I miss.
I shake my head to forget it.
Where the river meets deep down under the angry waves,
if only I could get there at least once
I'll sob and laugh until my heart bursts someday and I'll put an end to a long journey
without any regret. -shin hae chul-

And there's this small voice asking "will I be able to put it without regret?"



Sometimes I hate my self for all the mistakes and pain that I have done.
Sometimes I make excuses and I run.
Then I try to justify my self. "What else can be done?"
I did the right thing. "Did I?"

I'm always overwhelm by "life"every time I take  a look at it. Shocking? Maybe. Its more like mirror. What you see and how you see it that makes it different. Different pair of eyes see different reflection. Some is pretty some is pain. And you realize as time passes all you ever have with you wherever you are is your reflection. All you have is you, all I have is Me. We walk alone no matter how many people around us. We are our own self. Own it!. the least we could do to make it up to all the hurt that we cause non-other than ourselves.

All I have is my mistakes and regrets.But because of that I'm able to learn many things.I am my own self.

Please get well soon..please.
I look tough I act tough I am crazy at some point but I do have a heart. And I rarely open my heart to anyone or anything. Because it hurts more when something very dear to me is in pain. I am so sorry I didn't know..I truly am. If I'd known that you got problem I would've done something earlier. When you got sick I thought you will get well after 2 3 days like usual. But because of my stupid carelessness the infection get worst and you starting to get very high fever, and you need flushing. And then I thought you will be fine.. but I was wrong again. You are in much deeper pain. You got infection in your blood that causes liver problem( at least that's what I understand from what the vet says) sorry 😔 Shiro biology is not your master's strongest point. But because of my carelessness again! You are in this place. I am sorry again...so sorry. I did realize that you are not acting like normal. And my stupidity get the better of me. I chose to believe that you're fine and that you just being fussy. ( you are fussy but then again I shouldn't assume.)

The vet says he's pretty awesome that he still doing okay even though he loss quite a lot of weight. She did says that if it is a viral infection that causes the jaundice he's going to be in a very bad situation. Maybe because he did get a full vaccination and a crazy protective mother..Maybe that's why you still able to hang on. Please hang in there and get better..please pleaseeeeeee. I don't think I can handle the guilt and I definitely can't handle heart break very well. Nda dh nangis teresak2.. asu pun nak nangis jugak tapi kang jap gi lagi teruk Nda nangis. Masuk tandas nangis sorang2..huhu

You are my cat and you are my 1st baby you are my prrrecious.
I am so sorry. Thank God you are strong and Thank God I took you to the vet.
Please get well super soon I love you damn much. It hurt.
I sound like a crazy cat lady and I don't care.

"How I've been wrong. For all this years I have wronged myself.
Have I known Gandhi earlier... came across his amazing words earlier. I would've seen myself in a better light and how I wish I could see the world in a way Gandhi did."

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

I have been strong, long since the earlier age. But I wrong myself doubting and blaming how stupid I am and for not seeing how great of a person I am then.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world"

If I know later on down the road I wouldn't like what I see when I look back. I would've change a lot of thing. Starting with me.

"Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistake"

Free yourself beautiful soul. No one can be free without freeing themselves.

 "Happiness is what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony"

I'll be there. I know I need a little more time. I've been holding back now, the time will come. I hope time find it ways to me. Patients..always always give yourself time. The time will come. Breath..live and believe you will be there.

Everything start from within us