we used to look in the mirror and ask who is that?
i look like that?
we can never see us inside. for some reason we can never see us. that person is non existence inside. most of the inside is filled with this void. this blank space. that by day became very heavy...
.
she used to cry every night to sleep
she used to question her existence everyday
she still feel empty
but she is trying to live this life.
for once she want to stay alive.
for once she start hoping again.
a very small hope.
hope that she can stay alive without being miserable.
.
we need to work this together
we really need to communicate better.
whatever you're feeling we need to communicate better.
we can do this.
well we are trying right now aren't we?!
.
for once stop being a controlling bitch
for once stop trying to be perfect
for once!
.
can you at least stop being too sarcastic?
for once?
.
for once please stop fighting..
be nice.
be nicer to ourselves.
opinions is amazing but be nice
is it too much to ask?
.
this went haywire so fast
Pray is all i did
For few months i am stuck
I just became unproductive and just cannot do anything. I tried and it's just not working
Feeling burnout. Lead to feeling unproductive. Lead to self hate. Lead to depression.
All i did for few months is nothing. That's all i feel. I just couldn't bring myself to do my thesis or my work. It's painful to be in that state.
And for that few month i did what i can do. Pray.
I pray and pray and pray. Everyday asking god to help me. Because i can't help myself. I cried and cried and prayed. It sucks but never stop praying.
And one day last week i just have this thought came to me. "Just do this much everyday and that's enough" keep doing it. And start doing my thesis again. The power of prayers.
I just suddenly able to pick my self up and do my thesis again. Like magic..
That i believe is a way Allah is helping is me. And i am very thankful
some things seems so unreachable
this is not some fancy fantasy
this is for something as easy as getting up and move
it's hard
go out.. do something
it's hard
no motivation and no mood
how are you to go out and do something when you just dont have the motivation.
it is a lot easy to call it lazy
but it's painful when you are fully aware of your self and frustrated by it
mood
what do i do with you.
mood
why is it so complicated for us
mood
be nicer and be livelier
wish it was that easy to change our mood
There's always two sides
The inside
The outside
It's polar opposite
Too different
Sometimes it's too much
Then you became the spectator of the two side
It gets confusing
Everything went ambiguous so fast you barely grasp it--
It's scary..
The inside is loaded with differences
So many angle
So many perspective
So many individuality
The inside in one word is -- scary.
..
The outside is simple
Straightforward
Easy
Nothing.
Too much nothingness it hurt
It's more hurt seeing it and realising how nothing it is. Empty
The outside is one word is -- scary.
We're figuring things out. We'll manage.
I don't know how but We'll manage
We always does.
It is a lonely journey either way
With or without therapy
I am tired of all this.
I'll just do whatever comes.
I won't be bad
I am too coward to be one.
I won't be good
I'm too tainted to be one.
I'll just manage.
It is a lonely road regardless.
There's nothing.
It's empty.
It's not bad. It's just nothing.
this day..
sooner or later
to come
i don't feel it
guilt
i don't feel it anymore
very human
but very inhumane
well is it?
abusing people is not right?
right?
is it?
i am going to hell anyway
is it because of me my mother became like this
sometime i wonder
is it because i left my mother alone she became like this
sometime i wonder
is it because i don't care enough of my mother that she became like this
sometime i wonder
if i realize a bit earlier maybe my mother won't be like this
sometime i self blame a lot
sometime feels like it is all my fault
sometime feels like it is not enough
i should've done better
it could've been better
sometime i feels all that
sometime i wonder about all that
sometime..
i will be fine
i want to be fine
i need to believe i will be.
***
never i ever imagine
i'd feel it again
.
it's bad.
run
away
far away
.
dont try
dont even bother to try
.
dont go there
just dont
let yourself down
.
let it go
.
the short moment is beautiful
something to enjoy
but not something to keep
.
anhedonia: inability to feel pleasure
.
nothing really matters.
.
i laugh
i cry
i live
and it's empty
.
is this the cost to survive
a lost cost
.
it's treatable they said
back in my head i do hope so too
maybe
.
good taste is better than bad taste, but bad taste is better than no taste - arnold bennett.
a lost cost is a lost cost
live is the only answer
the only salvaging i can do
.
you can't gain back the loses but you can salvage the situation by making more profit to cover the loses to make it balance
.
so live
cause no harm
do good
stay alive
keep existing
even how empty it is
I dont even know what to do. I do what i feel like doing. I am so sorry mother. I am not a good daughter. I've turn into this monster. I hate everything. Including maybe you too. I don't even know what is what anymore. I can't. I am not nice. I know you are sick but i seriously dont know how to handle you. I know i am wrong. U deserve better. I dont have the patience. I cannot. I just cant.
.
The sad part is
I know what am doing is not right
But i dont know how else am i suppose to handle you.
This is messing with my head.
I can't even stand it. Hearing your voice
Why am i like this
never in my entire life have i feel i know nothing and nothing at all.
searching for knowledge in a structured way at the same time benefiting others only then there is a meaning to the knowledge. is not easy-
definitely not easy.
never said it was easy but no one ever said it was this hard
they did tho..
but never i ever imagine it is this hard.
hardship is incomparable-
every hardship is entitle in it environment and situation
nothing is less than the other.
how human sometime fails to see that. most of them ~
patah seribu harapan. ini lah agaknya rasa tu. hahaha drama ngatttt
tawar hati, hilang semangat, hilang arah tujuan all in one kinda feeling.
nak ada semangat ni yang penat. imagine have your heart broken again and again from the same thing. and keep feeling self insufficient. lacking in every way possible. can blame no one but oneself. but no one could give the answer than oneself. how fuck up is that?
one of those days all i want is just be alone.
but at the same time not being alone. or maybe just someone to be alone with.
but now is not that.
.
now i justa want to be alone. like for some time. give me space. i am so used to being alone. i grew up being my own friend. so please let me be comfortable being alone.
.
unfortunately my mother is sick. bad
i know she need me
i know that
but i also a human
i have my needs.
need to be alone.
please.
it is so suffocating.
every 5 minutes asu asu asu asu asu asu
like fuck.
please. tidur pun asu
.
i just keep quiet to avoid being rude.
i know am loser jackass like that.
just leave me alone. i love you mother but.. so frustrating knowing you can't control it either mother. i know. and it is just unfortunate. i am also just a human. a mere human.
how unfortunate. i don't even has a place to talk to.
whenever i say something. all the answer i get. sabar la biasala tu.
fuck you. i know la. i just need to let it out.
.
i am letting it out. let it all outttttttt here! hah
hoping to get better. dunno how long this gonna take.
i've been very tired for the past few days. feels like living zombie. damn tired
thank you for not giving up
am proud of you.
you did good.
keep trying aight..
keep living
.
so many people are happy you are born.
at least give back as much even if it is hard.
.
chill and live
